Single Wives Club

Life Is Short

2010-07-25T11:33:00.000-07:00

The Bible says that life is but a vapor and that's the truth. As a young girl, it seemed that this life was it. Death and the end of this life seemed out there so far that I didn't even think about it. Now I know that on a time line that extends to Eternity(no end), our days on earth can barely be seen when compared to how much life we have in Eternity----Eternity is forever and forever. Yet, what decisions we make in this brief life about Who Jesus is effects our whole Eternity. God paid a huge price to redeem us. Our part is to believe in Him, accept what He did for us, and walk in the freedom He brings us. In this short life, that choice will effect our destiny for Eternity and the destiny of possibly thousands. He chose me and I've answered, "Yes." He chose you too before the foundation of the world. Have you called on His name to forgive you of your sins and be your God? He loves you and died for you, too. Say "yes." to Him, if you haven't already.

Lessons Learned Along The Way

2010-07-13T18:11:00.000-07:00

Life is short. Nothing is forever so embrace today.
Jesus Christ is the only One Who is the same today, tomorrow, and forever. He will never change and neither will His Word.
Life may not seem fair, but it is still good. Praise Him no matter what.
‘Do the next thing’, no matter how simple that next step is.
Keep moving forward and choose to let go of the pain of the past.
Your spiritual gifting will bring energy and joy - Learn what energizes you then use those gifts daily.
Grief should only be for a season, don’t get stuck.
Don’t let anyone push you to do something that doesn’t feel right in your heart....No Peace, don’t do it. It’s not right for you.
God loves you...PERIOD. He won’t love you less when you fail or more when you think you’ve done it right.
Painful things are stepping stones to growth and will make you better if you don’t allow them to make you bitter. He can use it all but you must give Him the broken pieces of your life.
BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING! Anxiety will rob you of your health, your joy, and ultimately your life.
You’re never too old to change and grow - Let the Holy Spirit direct your path out of pain and darkness. It's an attitude.

My favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe

2010-01-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

This is my signature dish, I guess I would say. I almost always have dough in my ref so I can bake up a batch. They're so easy and they always get rave reviews.

Mimi's Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 cup light brown sugar
3/4 cup white sugar(I use C&H)
1 cup butter (2 sticks)
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
21/2 cups flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 16 oz bag semi sweet chocolate chips

I make these in my food processor. I toss in the sugars and butter first. (soften the butter by placing it on a plate and microwaving for about 25 seconds.....just enough to soften it a little unless you are organized and plan ahead and let it soften first) I cube the butter up and toss it with the sugars. I process and toss in two eggs and the rest of the ingredients, except of course the chocolate chips. Make certain all the butter is mixed in. Stir in the chocolate chips after you're done processing. NOW VERY IMPORTANT!.....they will not be nearly as good if you cook them now. I always put the dough in the refrigerator and let it get good and cold. It will harden up when the butter is cold again and will bake up much chewier. If I'm really wanting cookies, I'll put the dough in the freezer for awhile. Then when I'm ready to cook the cookies, I roll them into ping pong ball sized rolls(don't press them down) and place them on the cookie sheet...I use an insulated cookie sheet. I place them in a 350 degree oven and bake til the edges start to brown a little....the middle will still be soft looking and light. this part you'll have to learn on your own. I've had four different ovens in the years that I've baked these....some were done in 111/2 minutes but the oven I use now, it takes 15 mins. Why this oven takes so long, i'll never know....but once you learn what time it takes to make them perfect, set your timer each time you bake them and you'll have perfect soft cookies. If you prefer a crunchy cookie, bake until it is brown in the middle. Sometimes I double this recipe because my grandsons love to have these....they come over and it's easy to bake them fresh cookies. I'll keep this dough for a week or two and it's still good. Sometimes I'll only bake five or six if it's just for me. ENJOY!

God of This City

2009-11-08T15:02:00.000-08:00

I moved from OKC after living in the area since my early twenties. It was huge to leave my friends and start over in a new community. A few Sundays after I'd gotten here, I sat in my kid's church wondering how long it would take me to settle in to a new life, new city, new church...etc. I questioned if God could use me here. As I sat in the service, they sang a song called "God of This City." As the words pierced my heart, the tears flowed. I tried to look very inconspicuous as the floodgate of emotion splashed down my face onto my Bible. God's presence was sweet and His encouragement strong. I knew He wasn't through with me yet.
Today, a few months later, I sat in my new church. The music minister told the story of the writing of "God of this City." Again, I was blessed even more. I came home and researched and found a link to the story on UTUBE. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXh_tgjnYJw You'll be blessed to if you watch this story and then listen to the whole thing. Chris Tomlin has recorded it. Thank you, Lord, for Your Mercy and Love. Thank you for Your faithfulness.

Unbelief Unveiled

2009-05-01T07:08:00.000-07:00

Colossians 2:13-15 (The Message)

^11-15Entering into this fullness is not something you figure out or achieve. It's not a matter of being circumcised or keeping a long list of laws. No, you're already in—insiders—not through some secretive initiation rite but rather through what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin. If it's an initiation ritual you're after, you've already been through it by submitting to baptism. Going under the water was a burial of your old life; coming up out of it was a resurrection, God raising you from the dead as he did Christ. When you were stuck in your old sin-dead life, you were incapable of responding to God. God brought you alive—right along with Christ! Think of it! All sins forgiven, the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ's cross. He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross and marched them naked through the streets.

Stronghold of Unbelief

The enemy of my soul crafted many strongholds for me to be snared by in my fifty-some years. One that I'm just recognizing is the stronghold of unbelief. I've lived in self condemnation over past mistakes most of my life. Ex. I wasn't patient enough with my son when he was growing up. I spanked him far too much. I failed in numerous areas as a wife. I made mistakes as a widow that I wish I could undo. Hind site is excellent. Oh yes, I see a multitude of areas that I wish I'd done differenly or that I'm ashamed of. BUT I'm realizing that I'm walking in unbelief by not trusting God's Word and nailing those things permanently to the cross and leaving them there. My self-condemnation doesn't honor God, it only holds me captive. God promised to forgive me of my sins if I repented. He's not the one keeping the record, I'm the one, with some help from the enemy of my soul. The great deceiver reminds me of my failures and I've bought his propaganda for years. Praise God, that He has forgiven me and all that garbage that has entered my life through the years, He's cleaned out and thrown it as far as the East is from the West. I'm the one that keeps opening up the trash can of my soul and examining it and looking at the stinky layers. He's the one that's saying, "MY child, don't you know I forgave you at Calvary? Don't you know I knew you'd fail? Don't you know I want to work all that trash to your good? Sweet child, leave it at the cross and watch me use it as compost to grow something new and beautiful. I can't do that as long as you keep dredging it up and pulling it out of the compost heap to lament over how it reeks of failure. Let it go! Let me use it. Take a deep breath and Praise Me for it and for what I did on the Cross. Don't focus on your mistakes. Focus on Me and My redemption. Focus on my Victory. I CAME TO SET YOU FREE. Walk in it! Embrace it and bathe in my Peace. BELIEVE ME!!! Believe my Word. TRUST ME! REST IN ME!"

Fifty-five plus Trenches of life

2009-04-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

I'm learning a lot in this season of life. How about you? I've learned that I can't really see my face unless I use a five-times magnifying mirror. I look much younger in the regular mirror (only to me of course) but when I use the five-times mirror...things come into focus that I didn't even know were there....like chin hairs and whiskers and trenches in my smile line and the eyes.. we'll just call them creases. But it's the little hairs I can do something about. I've even bought a little electric thingy that will shave inside my nose! Who would have ever thought???? I've never had my eyebrows waxed but I give them a regular tweezing. Then there's the coiffure....where did those grey hairs come from? There's a few wiry little guys that love to prance on top of my head. I've found some delightful hair products that make my mane look thick and tame the corkscrews. AND my beautician has found a process that highlights the color I still have.

It's rough staying presentable in this fifty-five plus stage of life but it's worth it. My five year old commented with concern to his mom the other day as they passed thru a restaurant drive thru ..."that lady looks like she is going to die soon." She was older than me and very wrinkled....since I don't want my grandkids thinking that about me yet, I'll keep sprucing up what I can.

Any tips you have to share, I'd appreciate!

Easter Hug From God

2009-04-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, April 14th, I'll move to Owasso, OK. I have almost everything I own packed in boxes and in the process, I've sorted through it all, trying to decide what to get rid of and what to keep.

Yesterday, I found an old cardboard file box in the garage that had very little in it. I started to just toss it but decided I'd better sort through it. In one file labeled 'writings' I found a yellowed five page story that had been typed on a type writer. It was entitled "God Gave the Song." There was no author's name but I"d kept the story years ago for some reason. I took a break from my work, sat down on the concrete steps, and started to read it. By the second page, I knew it was a resurrection story and a good one. By the last page, tears splashed down my cheeks as I read of the Resurrection Day and saw the authors signature at the end. It was signed and dated: Lynda Ann Basye, March 30, 1983.

Lynda, my only sister, died March 24, 2001. I had chills as I thought of the odds that I'd find her story, let alone find it on Easter weekend. I couldn't wait to scan a copy to her daughter....my niece. It would be equally as special for her. She would have been only six when my sister wrote it so I doubted that she's seen it. It confirmed to me how important writing is. Eight years after my sister's death, her writing written twenty-six years earlier, blessed me mightily.

The Journey Through Grief

2009-03-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

My loss came after watching my husband suffer through surgery and chemo. For others, the loss was sudden. Not getting to say good-bye isn't easy but neither is saying good-bye gradually as you watch your loved one suffer. Some people like to compare grief and say mine is harder because....I prefer to say they're all hard.

Grief Brings Ambushes Ambush - make a surprise attack on someone from a concealed position...Websters As a new widow, I learned quickly that routine things brought unexpected waves of grief. I remember walking into a business and a song that Mike and I both loved was playing. I quietly slipped out the door to cry. The first time I bought groceries, it was a routine trip until I reached for Mike’s favorite snack and realized that I no longer needed to buy it. I left the store crying. Buying groceries, cooking a meal, watching TV, waking up, going to bed, driving down the street, eating a meal, listening to the radio were all riddled with ambushes. I don’t remember when I named these ambushes but identifying them helped me learn to say, “Okay, that’s a grief ambush. I’m not going crazy.” I’d let the tears flow and accept they were part of walking through the valley of grief. Dear one, know that ambushes will be a part of your life for quite some time to come, but they will gradually lessen and won’t be as overwhelming. Take comfort in this promise, Psalm 56:8 (NLT) You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Grief Paralyzes

Paralyze - render(someone) unable to think or act normally Websters

Following Mike’s death,many business things had to be taken care of..marriage certificate had to be found, death certificates had to be filed, and the estate had to be probated,etc. That was difficult but I muddled through. It was the everyday things that I struggled with the most..like living. I’d forget to eat. I also couldn’t concentrate enough to read or sew. One thing that helped was when someone sent me a poem that had helped Elizabeth Elliot survive an unbearable loss. She and her husband, Jim, had been overseas for only a short time when Jim and four other young missionaries were murdered. Elizabeth was in a foreign country with a new baby. Some one gave her the poem and in the midst of her anguish, one line stood out to her. It said simply, Do the next thing. She asked herself, What is the next thing I need to do? In her case, it was change her baby. I found myself asking this question of myself daily, sometimes several times within the hour. For me at times when I asked myself that question, the answer was as simple as, Pam, you need to eat, or you need to pay the electric bill. So if you find yourself having trouble functioning, try asking that question of yourself. What is the next thing I need to do? God will show you. Psalms 34:18 NIV The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Grief can bring a feeling of desperation.

The loss of Mike left so many gaps in my life that at times I felt desperate. It was an awful feeling that I didn't understand. I shared that feeling with a married friend who told me that I had nothing to feel desperate about. Again, I wondered what was wrong with me. They were right. I was blessed to have Mike for so many years and to be loved by such a wonderful man. I knew that. I was taken care of financially and I knew that was huge. But I was struggling to come to grips with being suddenly single and the feeling was overwhelming. I now know it was a normal feeling. It slowly passed. Probably only another widow or widower can understand that feeling but be assured the LORD understands and says in Psalm 62:8 NAS Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

Everyone grieves differently

You will find even among family and close friends, everyone handles grief differently. Some go through anger, some go through depression, some go through guilt....the important thing is to recognize there are many emotions of grief. Learn to face them and work through them. My major emotion was extreme sadness. It was the first time in my life my heart had truly felt broken. I had suffered many other losses prior to losing my Mike, but nothing prepared me for the extreme hurt of this loss. Much of my identity was tied into being Mike's wife. The thing I found most helpful for me was to attend Grief Share classes. I didn’t want to go somewhere where people shared sob stories...I was hurting to badly for that...but I did want to connect with others that were grieving. I also wanted to understand my journey as much as I could...Grief Share afforded me both. We shared as a group and the video’s gave us hope and insight into healing. Go to www.griefshare.org and type in your zip code and find out if there’s a group meeting in your area. You can also subscribe to a daily online devotional from their site. I did that and those devotions blessed me for a year.

Grief truly is a journey that cannot be rushed.

Others may attempt to rush you in your grief, thinking you should be over it within a few months. You will never be totally over it because you’ve been changed forever. Thankfully though, the huge hole in your heart will gradually mend and the extreme sadness will go away. Your precious memories will become a reservoir of treasure and a salve for your hurt. One day that hurt will be a means to reach out to others. In the meantime, continue choosing day by day to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking forward. AND don’t be discouraged when you’re ambushed and make no progress for a few days. That’s okay; this, too, is a part of the grieving process. Be gentle with yourself but determine to work through the ambush and move forward again. II Corinthians 1:3-4 NAS Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Grief is Exhausting.

Don’t be surprised if you find yourself so exhausted that you think something is wrong. Personally, I still take B-12 shots every other week and take extra vitamins. Since I’m alone, I’m not eating as well as I should. I’m working on that. Also, if your mate was sick for quite awhile, you’ve probably neglected yourself. Please get a good checkup and try to take care of yourself. Psalm 38:17 (The Message) I’m on the edge of losing it-- the pain in my gut keeps burning. Psalms 31:9 NIV Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress: my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.

Take Care of yourself I found in the first year, I functioned better if I kept things planned that I could look forward to. It could be as simple as lunch with a friend, or taking my grandchildren to McDonalds, but it helped. I find, even now, almost two years later, I still function better to live that way as I learn this new life. I’ve traveled somewhere almost every month. For me that has helped in the adjustments and loneliness of the walk. Isaiah 41:10 NLT Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

There is Life after loss

When I entered this valley, it was like walking through a long tunnel hoping that I”d come out on the other side. Deep down I wondered if I’d ever feel whole again and be content without Mike. Today, I can say I’m finally content and embrace my new life. You’ll get there too. God hasn’t left us in this valley of despair without hope. He does provide the means necessary to cope with grief and to come through that tunnel and be whole again.

Matthew 5:4 NIV Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV For I know the plans I have for you. plans to give you a hope and a future. (I clung to this, that God still had a plan for me even though it felt my life was over!)

The Journey of Grief Continues!

2009-03-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

Written in 2004

There was an older widow who wanted to encourage me after my husband died. She met with me shortly after I became a widow.

"Honey,"she said, I hate to tell you this but the second year of loss is the worst because you are rather numb throughout the first year! Then reality really sets in the second year." I was overwhelmed to think that things could get worse. I met with her again after my husband had been gone a year.

"Honey, I hate to tell you this, but the third year is actually the worst!"

And I knew right then that I did not intend for my journey to be that way. I asked God to show me how to embrace my sorrow and grow from it and be whole again. These are some things I learned:

Know that there is a normal process of grieving that you must go through but God doesn't intend for you to live there from now on, just for a season.
Know that God can help you to make those choices that lead you to heal but you also must be willing to believe that is His desire for you.
Know that if you determine that the great hurt you feel ultimately can be worked to your good, it can be. (a choice of the heart not based on feelings)
Know that if you dwell on the fact that your life is over (and life as you know is over) and you don't choose to believe that God still has a good plan, that you can get stuck in grief. It is too painful for us to set up residence there and it isn't God's plan for us.

Philippians 4:8 (NLT)
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

The Choice

The second Christmas after my husband died, the holidays were almost just as painful without him as the year before. I spent Christmas Eve with my kids and after the grandsons opened their gifts on the next morning, I rushed back to my house to prepare Christmas dinner. As I stood in the kitchen alone and started to peel the potatoes, a wave of grief started to roll in. My husband always peeled the potatoes, and I missed him so much. As the wave rolled toward me, I felt God speak to my heart and say, "Pam, I know how hard this is but now it is time for you to pick yourself out of the ashes of grief and move forward." It was still true that I missed my husband terribly, but that day I realized that I had a choice to make. I applied the scripture above and asked myself..."What are the good thoughts I can fix my mind on?" Oh my, I realized there were so many...how blessed I was to have spent almost 33 years with a good and faithful man who I loved and he loved me. How blessed I was to have two beautiful grandsons! How blessed I was to have a son and daughter-in-law that were committed to each other and to raising their family in a Christian home. How blessed I was to be financially taken care of. That moment I made the choice to start praising God for what was right... it was a sacrifice of praise because "me" wanted to feel sorry for self but when the choice was made to praise Him, my being responded with joy and the wave of grief subsided. The turning point in my grief occurred at that moment with a choice based on faith, not feelings.

Has there been more grief to walk through? Yes! But for the most part now, as the wave of grief starts to roll in, I can turn it into a washing of His Word. Do I still have bad days? Yes, I do. I am human and there will always be those days that I succumb to the lonliness and grief of what is no more, but I do not intend to live there. I want to be an overcomer and a vessel used for His honor. Father, help me to continue to choose to focus on You and Your blessings, not on my loses.

Death of a Wife - Life Alone

2009-03-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

I never wanted to be a widow, not that anyone does, but when I began this journey twenty months ago, all I could feel was extreme pain and loss. I knew life as I had known it was over and it was.
I recalled how eagerly I had approached my wedding day almost thirty-three years before. Marriage was what I had dreamed of all of my life, and even though it came with many adjustments, I loved my role as Mike’s wife.
I thought of other dreams that were fulfilled during those precious years of marriage….the title of “Mom” was probably the most awesome, although becoming a grandma ranked up there, too!
Each one of those new assignments had come without instructions but eagerly I had searched for information that would equip me for each role. I had talked with others, read books, and investigated anything that would help me to be a better wife, mother, or grandmother.
Then abruptly, over night, I went from wife to widow – I didn’t recognize it then as a new role. I just saw it as an ending of my dreams.
Yet finally, after many months of grieving, I realized that I stood with a choice: I could learn to embrace this as a new assignment and expect God to bring forth glory, or I could remain a broken vessel. Then I prayed, “God, help me to see the hidden treasure in this darkness.”

What treasure have I found so far?
· As I have learned to embrace this path as one chosen for me by God, my “alone” time has become precious time with Him. Isaiah 54:5 says “your Maker is your husband!”
· As I have learned to look to Him, expecting Him to turn this pain into glory, I have seen His hand move in wonderful and unexpected ways. Jeremiah 29:11 reminds me that “His plans for me are for good and not for evil to give me a future and a hope.”
· As I have learned to count my blessings in the midst of the ambushes of grief, my pain has been eased. James 1:2-3 does say to “Count it all joy when you go through trials and tribulations.”
· As I have opened my heart to others who are hurting, I have seen II Corinthians 1:4 fulfilled…”who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God.”

Is this an assignment I would have chosen? No! But I am learning that there truly is treasure in the darkness. With His help, I will continue to search for it.
Isaiah 45:3 LT And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness--secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name

Songs That Help the Healing Process

2009-03-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

I have always loved music. When I was a young woman and our daughter suffered brain damage, God used many songs to give me strength to endure the trial and even to bring healing to my weary heart. Some that come to mind are "Because He Lives" and "I Am a Promise" and several others sang by the Gaithers. In the loss of my husband, once again music has spoken to my heart and continues to be a salve of healing. Hopefully you can click on the link below and listen to "The Anchor Holds". I love the truth of this song! I pray you will too! I will include the words in case your computer set up does not allow you to listen.......

http://www.wrensworld.com/anchor.htm

The Anchor Holds

I have journeyed through the long, dark night

Out on the open sea,

By faith alone, sight unknown,

And yet His eyes were watching me.
The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

Well, I have fallen on my knees,as I faced the raging sea,

But the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.
I've had visions and I've had dreams;

Well, I've even held them in my hands,

But I never knew those dreamscould slip right through

Like they were only grains of sand.
Oh, the Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

Well, I have fallen on my knees, as I faced the raging seas.

Oh, the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.
Now I have been young, but I am older now.

Oh, and there has been beauty these eyes have seen;

But it was in the night,when I faced the storms of my life.

Oh, that's where God proved His love to me.
The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

I have fallen, fallen down on my knees, as I faced the raging seas.

But the Anchor holds; Oh, in spite of the storm.
I said I've fallen, fallen down on my knees, as I faced the raging seas;

But the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.

Another group of songs have been by Jeremy Camp...

http://www.jeremycamp.com/tunes.html

click on this..then click on "Carried" and then "Will I Walk By Faith?"

You will only hear a snipet...if you have songs that have helped you, please share a comment with me that others may 'hear' also.

Jeremy Camps wife died of cancer only a few months after they married...I love most of his songs...clipped from his sitet..."'Will I walk by faith even when I cannot see?' It's about learning how to take the next step even when you don't understand what's happening in your life." Another song, 'Take My Life' "is a passionate, worshipful song. It's basically saying, Here I am Lord, take me completely, don't let me hold anything for myself." Jeremy's experiences have given him what he calls an "eternal perspective."

Also Mercy Me's "I Can Only Imagine" has ministered to me greatly and many of their songs..

"Held" by Natalie Grant has also spoken to my heart...so do allow God to minister to you through His people and the music He has given them.

Letting the Seasons Change

2009-03-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

By Pam Whitley
Written - October 29, 2004

We loaded the band saw into the back of my son’s Toyota Four-Runner and he hopped into his vehicle, shifted gears, and backed out of the drive way. I followed him in my car with it also loaded as we moved among the last of my things out of my house.

It was late October and the leaves blew across our paths as we followed the street out of my addition and headed for my new residence. Just as the seasons were changing in the weather, they were changing in my life as well.

The Four Runner my son was driving, my husband and I had purchased for him 10 years earlier when he was a junior in college. Recently he had purchased a new car and when my move was over, he would sell this old vehicle. That vehicle almost felt like a member of the family! We had made dorm moves in it, then apartment moves, and later after he married, I had followed as he and his new bride moved to married student housing.
On this day, I couldn’t help but cry as I followed this vehicle once again though the twists and turns of my neighborhood. The other moves had been joyful, this move was to move me from the home my husband and I shared to the home where I would live as a widow. My son was now 31 years old with two children of his own and I was the one in need of assistance. As that old red Four Runner made one last run loaded to the brim, I thought of how the seasons had changed…. and how I had to let them change and trust keep my eyes on Him.

God’s Faithfulness

2009-03-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

Written a couple of weeks before my husband died.
I saw my husband Mike's once strong body slowly succumbing to the cancer that had attacked so viciously. “Oh Lord, give us strength to walk wherever this path is leading.”

Opening my Bible, I was drawn to 2 Corinthians 5:1-9 Our Heavenly Dwelling
1For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down--when we die and leave these bodies--we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new heavenly bodies. 4Our dying bodies make us groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by everlasting life. 5God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. 6So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7That is why we live by believing and not by seeing. 8Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9So our aim is to please him always, whether we are here in this body or away from this body
Lord, if you are giving me this scripture, then I think I know where this leads. I didn’t want to believe that so I didn't share the scripture with my husband, Mike. A few days later, Mike retired to our upstairs theater room to watch the movie Gettysburg. Soon, he came down the stairs and said, “Pam, God just gave me a scripture through that movie. Stonewall Jackson read this to his men before they went to battle.” Mike had his little new testament with him and he started to read II Corinthians 5 to me.
I started crying and then shared with Mike that God had given me the same scripture only a few days earlier. Putting his arms around me Mike said, “It’s going to be okay!” And I knew it would be. God was watching over us and would supply the strength we needed to walk through the valley that yet lay ahead. He was proving Himself day by day!

“Father God, help us to walk each day by faith, not by sight!”

I Miss the Little Things!

2009-03-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

Written 18 months after my husband died

Sometimes I think it is the little things that I miss the most. It’s been 18 months now since my husband exchanged he cancer-ridden body for his new tent. I am happy for him…. as I sing praises on Sunday mornings, I can see in my minds eye him standing strong and whole in the presence of the King. I can just see him in a sea of Believers with a huge smile on his face. That is such a comfort to me…but how I miss all the little things. I miss his presence on the cold winter nights as I crawl into bed…. he always said, “don’t stick those size nines to me”….then he would laugh and shudder as I stuck my cold feet to his legs (they weren't size nines either!) I miss the toilet seat being left up. I used to gripe at him for leaving it up because if I got up in the night, I'd fall in!. What I'd give to have that toilet seat left up one more time. I miss his arm around my shoulders as we sat in church together and his off key singing. I miss having him come in and take the lid off whatever I had cooking on the stove and then after he gave it his taste test, telling me what seasoning it needed. I miss his laugh, it was infectious. I miss the sound of him shuffling down the tiled hallway barefooted. I miss his telephone calls….they were never lengthy, just fairly often during the day. I miss sharing the joy of the grandbabies exploits and the pride in seeing our son succeed. I miss taking a walk together in the cool of the day. I miss being able to confide in him my hurts and my concerns and having him do the same with me. I miss making decisions together and rolling stuff off of him for his opinion. I just miss him. But as I contemplate how much I miss him, I can also say once again how thankful I am that I was loved by a Godly man and able to walk beside him for almost 33 years. I truly do miss all the little things!

Workshop

2009-01-26T17:32:00.000-08:00

My Murphy is the gray-headed gentleman.

I've just returned this past week from Atlanta. I was in "A One Day Intensive Writer's Workshop" led by Cec Murphy. He ghost wrote "Ninety Minutes in Heaven" and "Gifted Hands-the Ben Carson Story," and about 108 other books. I learned so much. My friend Sue hosted the workshop. I flew from OK, Sue's sister-in-law flew from Dallas, a pastor drove from South Carolina, and another lady came from the Georgia area. We'd all been writing for weeks and sending Mr. Murphy five pages at a time. He'd make comments and then send them back to us to redo. I send one more five page set to him this week. He's been so gracious and we've learned so much. Now I must apply it and keep on writing!

Fun With The Boys

2009-01-07T14:18:00.000-08:00

Christmas was a lot of fun this year. Some of my most memorable moments will be:

I made Jack and Will fleece blankets a few years ago. At that time I was able to buy panels...in that case with a big batman on it. Sam wanted a Hulk blanket but I couldn't find any Hulk fabric . I did find a patterned fleece with Batman on it. Sam thought that would work and I bought it and took it to him. When he saw it, he cried. The pattern repeats and is staggered. I had cut off Batman's head every third batman all the way around the edge..he was heart broken. That blanket didn't work.

Will and Jack helped me write a little story. Steph snapped a picture of Max last summer as he stood in the toilet. The boys made-up-story follows.

It was a hot July day. Little Max was looking for a cool place to stick his feet. He saw the neatest little boat, just his size. He climbed right in and held on tightly to the sides. In came Mama, "OH No" she cried as she ran to get the camera. In came Will, "hey, what is Max doing in the toilet. In came Jack, "let's flush him. In came Sam, Nooooo, don't fwush baby."

The boys laughed and laughed as they wrote that little story and Mimi had fun too. Then there is a UTUBE video called "Charlie Bit My Finger." I played that for them on my lap top. They giggled so hard then Will and Sam watched it over and over. So much fun.

One of the highlights was playing "I'm Sorry" with the kids and then lots of hugs from Max.

There were no dull moments and plenty of food and fun. I am blessed.

January 1, 2009

2009-01-01T22:07:00.000-08:00

wow, it is hard to believe 2009 is here. I loved the holidays this year. It is the first time I can make that statement since Mike died. My last Christmas with him was 2002 so it has been a long time in coming. This year I spent Dec. 23rd thru Dec. 29 with my son and his family. It was delightful. It felt so good to be back in the midst of a family and family activities. It felt wonderful to kiss little ones good night and be greeted with hugs in the mornings. What a special gift. Thank you Lord. Thank you, Ben and Steph.

2008-08-22T16:56:00.000-07:00

It is five years today since my husband of 33 years went Home. I still miss him everyday. I made some huge mistakes along the way but I have survived with God's help. AND finally I am learning to be "content in my present circumstances!" I am learning who I am and to press forward.

Lately, I have been working a lot on scrapbooking and until recently, I still cried when I looked at the pictures. Now, I have sweet memories. What a relief that even that pain has subsided. Then it took me five years to even sort the contents of my husband's desk, but I have it done now. I know many people move through their grief more quickly and I wish I had been one of those. I can only 'suppose' why my journey was so long...Perhaps it was because I never had a career and for most of my life, I was a caregiver to our handicapped daughter and my life was built around caregiving and my marriage. So was my idenity. It has taken time for me to embrace this place of singleness and see it as a gift, though not a chosen or wanted gift. It's a new season and a new life. The old season was sweet and I loved it but I can't stay there and must allow myself to move forward. So I am diving into this new life!

In God's Waiting Room

2008-08-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

I moved to this home right after Mike's death and even then, I knew this was a temporary place to stop. I sorted as many of his things at that time as I could bear but moved much of it here. Five years later and the stuff remained as it was, either boxed or stuffed here and there. It overwhelmed me every time I opened a closet door, or looked in the attic, or stepped into my garage. Mike was a pack rat and I was too....I always kept the house looking nice but behind the closet doors and stuffed in drawers, and piled in the garage and attic, the stuff had overrun my life. Thinking of moving again was almost like a nightmare and I was too paralyzed to do anything about it. God met me right where I was and provided help in an abundant way!
First, a dear friend came along beside me and helped. Very gifted at organizing, her skills were put to the test here. In two weeks, with her help, we had gone through every drawer and closet in my home and we even tackled the garage. We spent days sorting through things and in the midst a friend of hers came to our rescue and provided extra insight.Then two more friends of mine came to our aid as well. I was in awe of His provision and my friend's giving hearts. Unbelievable strides were made. In the midst of it all, I made trip after trip to the Hope Center with my car loaded with donations of both Mike's stuff and mine. I took many things to my son's house and threw much away but little by little my house came into order. I even discovered that I have a three car garage! As soon as everything was as near perfect as it was going to be, a sign went up in my yard and the house went on the market. The housing market is slow right now and I have no idea if it will sell. I am at peace with whatever happens but if nothing else, the attempt to move has made me face a lot of "stuff'" and deal with it. And as I have de-cluttered my home, I feel He helped me do much sorting in my heart as well. I had a lot of "stuff" there that needed to be dealt with. My heart was overrun with guilt, fear, grief and much more. Like my house clutter, these wrong thought patterns had overwhelmed me for a long time, but I hadn't known what to do. But just as He brought me help for my home, He brought help for my heart in ways I could never have fathomed. All I can do is say, thank you, Lord and ask Him to please help me keep my house and my heart as clutter free as possible!

P.S. from this experience and several others, my friend, Carolyn...the organized one...has started a business. I highly recommend her....she has certainly cleared the path for me! below see the link to her site.

Strongholds

2008-03-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

I've been studying about strongholds. II Corinthians 10:3-5 We are human, but we don't wage war with human plans and methods. We use God's mighty weapons, not mere worldly weapons, to knock down the Devil's strongholds. With these weapons we break down every proud argument that keeps people from knowing God. With these weapons, we conquer their rebellious ideas, and we teach them to obey Christ.

As the devil's days grow shorter, we see strongholds growing stronger. A stronghold is anything that ranks in a higher position in our mind than it should becoming the consuming force within us, rather than God. It can control us so that it is the main thing we meditate on. A few obvious strongholds are unforgiveness, loss, grief, various addictions etc. Basically, anything that strangles the abundant life within us. A stronghold consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that our intended purpose lies dormant, squelched by the stronghold. The stronghold controls our thoughts. We are mastered by it.

Strongholds are like minefields. They liter the path we're walking, attempting to prevent us from having a intimate, personal relationship with Christ. Strongholds have strong holds on us. We have to identify them to start to break their hold on our lives.

Our pastor taught this last week on Strongholds within the church. I saw very clearly that at different times in my life I'd been fooled by the enemy and fallen into one or more of these strongholds.

Church-ism - diminishes the gospel to activities at church. It creates a pretense that I'm living for Christ, but has me in a cycle of activities, not necessarily in relationship with Christ.
Legalism - ignores the fact that you can't please God by what you do. It causes self-righteous attitudes, I'm doing it right. It can keep us on a treadmill of being good/doing good. WORKS, WORKS, WORKS. A legalistic person thinks they are right.
Activism - Identity is reduced to standing up for what is wrong - we replace the relationship with Christ with fighting something.
Biblicism - need to be expert students on the Bible. Biblicism can replace the relationship itself with the Bible....We worship God, not the Bible. We've all probably met someone that has the bible in first place but they don't operate with a heart of love or radiate Christ.
Fellowship-ism - we should provoke one another to toward relationship with Christ. If we replace the relationship with fellowship, then that too can become a stronghold.
Mysticism - Worships emotions and experiences instead of pursuing relationship.

We're called to be His salt and light and the enemy of our souls will detour us anyway he can. He'll use good things that look right and deceive us. He'll use bad things and then fill us with guilt. He'll do anything to keep our focus away from the intimate relationship that Christ desires. He's been successful with me in many areas...I want to break free and walk in victory. His Word is my sword and prayer keeps me in communion with Him. Those two things are my path to victory. With His word and prayer, He'll help us take back the territory the enemy has stolen. We must choose to learn to think His thoughts about every matter rather than our own or the enemies and knock down the strongholds.. Gal 5:1b Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery.

Another New Year!

2008-01-03T07:15:00.000-08:00

As I start into another new year, I am seeking to be more consistent with my time with the Lord. So much of the time. I quickly read my scripture or my devotional and by the time I have finished, I don't recall what I just read. I don't want it to be that way. This morning I read this in Daily Bread:

You'll go forth a little stronger

With a fresh supply of grace,

If each day you meet the Savior

In a secret, quiet place..

Too often, Lord, I am not even expecting You to speak. I come doing my routine "duty"coming into a routine place rather than a secret place with You....hurting myself and hindering what You desire to do in my life and how You desire to speak. Lord, help me to joyfully seek You, to expectantly listen for Your voice, and to know You want to do mighty things in the life of all Your children...even me! Open the eyes of my heart that I may hear you!!

Psalms 119:18 Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from your law.

A New Norm

2007-12-23T18:15:00.001-08:00

Here it is almost Christmas Eve. This will be my fifth Christmas without Mike after thirty-three with him. I have come a long way in this five years. I have dreaded the holidays every year since Mike died and this year was no exception. I just wanted them to pass...and add to this year that my kids have moved and no longer live near by and the this month has been filled with snow storms, ice storms, and cold weather....normally even the thought of this would have been my horror. BUT I have made it through very well. Perhaps it is because a few weeks ago, I felt the Lord said to me, "Do you really believe I am sovereign?" Of course, my answer was "yes"! Then I felt He asked me that again,and then a third time...and I had to realize that if I really believe that He is sovereign, then I have to accept as from His hand all of the changes that have come. I have to embrace the loneliness, knowing that He has truly said "I will never leave or forsake you!" I can with His help accept that all has changed and I AM OKAY!!! He is in charge...the loss, the change, THE CHANGE, the unknown..are in His hands. Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness. Thank You, for the lessons that You are teaching me. Thank you that you are strengthening me!

Trip Between Storms!

2007-12-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

The weather man has told us we have a break in the weather(a short break)...we are supposed to be pounded with another storm tomorrow evening so this grandma headed to Tulsa to see her babies! If the weather holds off long enough for me to head home tomorrow afternoon, I will! I have a new lap top and took these pics with the computer....the boys thought that was rather fun. I found it bit challenging...attempting to turn the computer towards us, scrolling on the screen with one hand, and clicking the right button while trying to hold little ones and get a smile. Challenging but FUN! They are fast asleep and I am blogging to unwind!

Ice Storm - 2007

2007-12-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

The ice storm started to hit late Sunday evening and by yesterday morning, by ten a.m...my entire addition and several around me had lost their electricity. Other areas lost it earlier--some later--the news has declared it the largest power outage in the history of our state with 500,000 families across the state without power. I called my kids in Tulsa and found their power went down in the middle of the night--about 2 a.m. At least I had it until morning. As the day progressed, I was dreading greatly spending the night alone in a cold and dark home so I was very thankful when a girlfriend invited me to her home for the evening. She lives about four miles away, West and North of me. I packed up my car and headed out to her house about 3 p.m. to make certain I was there before it iced more. Her power stayed on through it all. Thankfully mine was back on this morning. It has rained all day but is warm enough that it is not freezing...in fact, much has thawed and I am just now thinking to take pictures...so it looks much better out than it did. The icicles are almost gone...they were about seven inches long and hanging off of everything on my back porch earlier this morning. So with my heat and lights back on, I am delighted to be at home.

Now if this big tree doesn't have any of its branches break!

Cold Day But Warm Hearts and Fun Cookie Exchange!

2007-12-08T14:25:00.000-08:00

There were ten of us. We baked our cookies and pooled them together. Then we met for lunch at my house, and we laughed a lot and did I mention, we did eat just a few cookies and everyone got to take home 4 dozen calorie filled treats.

For lunch we had Chicken Lasagna with salad and French Bread. I made a recipe of "Kissmas" Cookies and have included the lasagna Recipe and cookie recipe below.
Recipes:
White Chicken Lasagna
Cook 8 lasagna noodles and set aside.

Saute in 1/2 cup butter:
1 cup diced green onion
1/2 cup diced celery
1 tsp. minced garlic
Add:
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1/4 cup of milk
1 tsp. Italian seasoning
1 large carton cottage cheese
8 oz. cream cheese'
2 cups cooked shredded chicken breast

Alternate in backing pan:
Layer of noodles
Layer of sauce
Shredded Monterey Jack cheese

Bake at 350 until bubbly and cheese is melted.

I made this a week ago and froze it..put it in the refrigerator last night and baked about an hour today. Tossed a salad, and baked some french bread!! Yummy!

Kissmas Cookies

1/2 cup shortening
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup brown sugar packed
1/4 cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla or almond extract
21/2 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup chopped cherries (drain them well)

Mix all of the above, stirring in cherries last. Make into small tsp. sized balls...roll in:

1 egg white beaten with 1 Tb. water. Then roll in:
Chopped pecans(It took me a little over 2 cups of pecans to have enough)...I had an asssembly going...rolled in the egg white and then rolled it in the chopped pecans....I flattened slightly and baked at 375 for about 12 minutes. As soon as they came out of the oven, I had 48 hershey kisses already unwrapped and stuck them quickly into the centers of the cookies. I baked them Friday night so you can look at Friday's blog and see them fresh out of the oven on the wire racks.

Baking Cookies!!!

2007-12-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

Don't they smell good? : )

His Next Journey for me -Ecuador???

2007-11-12T13:46:00.000-08:00

In this journey as a single wife, I am searching diligently to find purpose and joy in this unexpected twist called widowhood. I pray and look expectantly for Him to open doors for me to serve.
Our church took a medical mission trip to Ecuador this fall and the door swung wide open for me to go. I had never been out of the country yet a friend had asked me to go with them to get a passport about a year ago and I applied and got mine as well. Then a new friend wanted me to go with her on this mission trip and the timing was perfect for me to go. What a blessing that trip was!! The people were precious and the needs so great. Having been a caregiver for so many years to my daughter, the role of triage person--interviewing the people via an interpreter to find out their greatest needs--and then sending them on to the appropriate doctor--fit me like a glove. I felt very fulfilled to have a small role in helping a very needy people..the Quechua Indians. Thank you, Lord, for helping me find new areas of service and fulfilment.

Overcoming My Fears!

2007-04-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

My friends all know that I am directionally challenged. I have blamed it on growing up in the hills and hollows of Southern Mississippi. I never remember hearing anyone refer to directions such as north, south, east or west. From my home eight miles out in the country, I recall places being referred to as "lets go down to town, over to the store, up to the church, and out to my brother's." Consequently, I find it difficult to know my directions unless the sun is distinctly in the East or West. So recently it came as a shock to me, my friends and my family when I decided to drive myself from Oklahoma to Mississippi. Since my husband's death, I have made all of my journey's by plane but the flights to Mississippi have gotten very tiring. With a three hour lay over in Houston and a 11/2 hour drive from Jackson to my mom's home, it only takes about 2 hours longer to make the drive. Since my mom has gone into a nursing home recently, I have tried to make the trip more often. So armed with a navigational devise, the Purpose Driven Life on CD, and insured with Triple A, I launched out on my first ever long road trip. It was interesting, because that was one of the things that I would have never dreamed that I would attempt but I felt it was one of the things God was prompting me to trust Him with. I drove half way the first day and stopped and checked into a motel that evening. It felt strange doing that alone but at the same time it also felt somewhat empowering. I arrived at my mom's the next day around 3 p.m. I had successfully completed the first leg of the trip! I enjoyed visiting my mom until late that day and was then able to visit with her on Sunday, and Monday morning before I headed back to Oklahoma. In the whole trip, I only got lost once....then because I did not know how to put the space in the word "Little Rock" on the navigational device. I listened to the whole book on my journey and parts of it twice. It was such a blessed time, and I know now I can go wherever He calls me to go. Another fear conquered! Another task done in His strength! What else do you want me to do Lord? I am ready!

The Realization of the Magnitude of the Loss

2007-03-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

I am three and one half years down this road called widowhood and the pain and grief of the loss of my mate is still very overwhelming to my heart. On the day my husband took his last breath, life as I knew it ended. I realized that at the time but the magnitude of the loss would take a few years to sink in. Holidays would never be the same, relationships with others would be forever changed, as so many aspects of the life we shared were gone in an instant. I moved from married to single, from feeling loved to feeling alone, from a household of two to that of one, from a strong twosome to a lonely onesome, from grandma and grandpa with two sets of hands, plus overnight I became the sole decision maker. Since I had not had a career, I had been one of those old fashioned women who built their life around their husband's schedule. How I cooked, how I spent my evenings, my time, everything had revolved around him. With his death, I faced learning a whole new language of life, whether finances, house repairs, or car repairs, even down to what TV shows to watch...I learned the buck stopped with me. As a young woman, I had married early in life, leaving my parents home to take on the new role of bride. I cherished that role and never desired anything but to be the best wife, mother, and helpmate that I could be. Over night after 13 months of watching the love of my life die, I knew half of me died as well. I knew then that only God could make me whole again. Even so ,it would take me a long time to learn to walk in that wholeness. I knew I must find those other single ladies out there who were also dealing with weekends and lawns and aloneness. I knew they were out there, I just hadn't known any before I became one. I also knew I had to learn how to let Him be my healer and my completer. I am still working on that!

Things I have learned along the way: There is nothing as lonely as the weekend....except holidays or birthdays. Somehow I manage the week fairly well, but when Friday hits, I know the phone stops ringing and the e-mail goes silent. My married friends and family are all busy with their mates, and I still struggle to learn this new life. I can say it is getting better. In the midst of all of this, I have known that I have so much to be thankful for but in my pain, many times it has been easier to focus on the pain and loss than to count my blessings. Once again, I knew that from the beginning and even wrote about it but during the course of grief, my thoughts have at times become pretty self focused. I guess it is much like smashing a toe, when the pain is severe enough, it is hard not to focus on that ache. My cry has been "but Lord, what about me? I hurt! I hurt! I am so lonely! I know you are there, but Lord, I am lonely and I miss Mike and our life!" I knew I had to learn to speak His Words back to him and say, "I hurt but You, My King, are more than enough. Lord, You have said that You will never leave or forsake me and I must rest there! You have allowed this to occur; help me now to allow you to do a mighty work in me."

And He has continued to be faithful to me in the midst of my pity parties and grief...even today He blessed me as I talked on the phone with a new acquaintance who is also a widow. As she shared some experiences of her journey, she said that all four of her children live quite a distance away. Her husband had always driven as they made the trek to visit them. I loved how she put it..."you know, that baby sugar is so important,"so after her husband's death, she has made the choice to strike out through the metro-plex of Dallas to see those grandchildren. She further shared that she views everything in her life as a training ground with the Lord and driving through areas that she would not have attempted before has been a step of faith for her.... she made the choice to pray, trust Him, and go for the whatever!. And she is right on and I just love her attitude. More than that, I know the Lord does too! I believe that is how He desires for all of us to face the challenges that come our way....embrace them, focus on Him, and go forth in our journey with an expectant heart. So in this ever changing journey of faith, today I ask You, Lord, to help me be more like my new acquaintance, Linda, and grasp more tightly to Your hand and walk forward in You, seeing once again that the title Widow is something You ordained as a part of Your training for me. Help me to not fail nor grow weary. Help my focus to stay on You and Your mighty power as my provider and comforter. May I truly know You as My Great I AM who 'am' more than enough for me! And Father, thank you for phone calls that come right when I need them the most. Thank you, Linda!

Thoughts and More Thoughts!

2006-07-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

It is July of 2006 and the year has brought with it a continual saga of change. On February 17, which incidentally was my mom's 92nd birthday, my sweet daughter Jan died. It was an icy, snowy evening much like when Jan was born....one moment she was breathing and the next she entered Eternity. Later I would ask the Lord about Jan dying on my mom's birthday. Jan had been on Hospice for 4 years....it seemed no coincidence that her Homegoing would occur on that date......as I turned my eyes toward Him, He seemed to say to me, "your mom has prayed for Jan more than any other person throughout Jan's life...I chose to answer your mom's prayers on her birthday and give Jan the gift of healing." That brought me peace, and I was also able to share that with my mom.

May rolled around and it seemed it wasn't until then that the loss of Jan really sank in. I remember one day finally realizing that Jan was actually gone. I had carried her close to my heart for her whole life and felt a strong responsibility all of her twenty-eight years. The realization that she was gone, and that I was no longer her caregiver brought with it another identity crisis for me. I remember thinking then "I just don't think I can take any more changes, Lord." At that time I was engaged and the thought of marriage even seemed more than I could possibly bear. It represented more major adjustments and challenges that I was just not emotionally ready for. More grief to face and news that would inflict pain on a gentleman's life that I really cared for. "Help Lord!" Then in the midst of all of this, I knew my mom's health was declining. I remember thinking, "Lord, I am certainly not ready to deal with the loss of my mom!" She and I were very close even though she lived in Mississippi..I would talk to her at least two to three times a day...on the morning of June 8th when I called to check on what kind of night she had, from what she described, I knew she had had a stroke. Oh my! Immediately I tried to get a flight to Mississippi....failing to find one, my son told me he would drive me the 12 hours and then he would catch a flight back to Oklahoma the next day. Today, July 28th finds me returning from Mississippi having spent a month there helping take care of my mom. She had still lived on her own but the stroke took her independence and a nursing home seemed the next step....a step that she chose, a step that brought grief to us kids.

At this point, I am numb yet in the midst God has given me the strength to continue by taking it one day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other. I must keep taking one day at a time and "do the next thing" that He puts in my path.

Jan's obit from February follows -"We find comfort today because Janice Marie , age 28, is at Home with the Lord. Entering this world at 12:54 p.m on January 1, 1978, Jan was Oklahoma City's New Years baby. On Feb. 17, 2006 Jesus called out to Jan 'let My little child come to Me' and she ran to Him with outstretched arms calling 'Daddy, Daddy, I'm finally home!' Jan, daughter of Pam & the late Mike, was born with a congenital heart defect that was discovered when she was 8 days old. Complications during surgery left Jan permanently brain damaged, but God used her life mightily to teach us many lessons. Jan's beautiful smile and fun loving spirit have been a delight to all who knew her and many lives have been changed by her life and her story. Not only did Jan find delight in people, but she was also delighted in listening to Children's Christian music. Her Christian tapes which normally could be found playing 24 hours a day. Jan is survived by her mom, Pam, her brother Ben, Ben's wife Stephanie, and their three sons, Jack, Will, and Sam. A very special thanks to all of the care-givers that have shared in Jan's life. Special thanks go to Bradford Village and Vista Care Hospice. Funeral services will be held at 2:00 p.m. Monday, Feb. 20, 2006."

The Many Facets of Grief

2006-02-15T14:02:00.000-08:00

I am now two and one half years down the road in this journey of grief. Thinking back to those first months after Mike died, I remember how difficult they were. Never had my heart been so broken or so sad...never had my life been so turned upside down. I knewGod still had a plan for me but in the midst of the brokenness, I wondered if I would ever be whole again. After all, Mike and I had become one flesh and at his death, it felt as if half of me had died. BUT the scripture declares He is our Restorer, our Comforter, and our Sustainer, and even more than that, He is the Husband to the husbandless. I knew that was truth even when I did not feel it. I had to walk on by faith and wait for the feeling to follow some day.

I learned that I had to walk through a long tunnel of grief to ever come out on the other side and live again, and I learned that I had to choose to walk even when every part of my being said it couldn't go on. Many days I took more steps backwards than forward and some days I just wanted to cease to be and go be with the Lord, but I knew I must continue forward even when it was an act of faith, and I must embrace the blessings of life that were mine and there were so many.

There were so many difficult things to deal with besides the material goods left from 33 years of living as one. Three months after Mike died, I remember wondering if I was supposed to take my wedding rings off. I hadn't even thought of it before. Then I started to attend a Sunday School class made up of women who were widows, marrieds, and singles. I found myself looking at women's left hands to attempt to find the other widows in the class....then looking at my own...I realized that I still appeared to be married. Thinking about it, I realized that those precious rings were slipped on my finger by Mike with the vows of...till death do us part'.. and now for me it was time to take off the rings. I moved them first to my right hand and for weeks they went back and forth from left to right...and then my precious daughter-in-law went with me to purchase a new ring to wear on my left hand. Finally I was able to put up my rings. Death had indeed parted us...and gradually I would learn to live in my new identity and new role.

It took me over a year to have new checks printed that didn't bear Mike's name. Why that was so hard I don't know but some how there was a comfort in still seeing 'Mike or Pam' when I opened my check book. I finally made the decision to order new checks, but I cried for quite awhile when they arrived, and I slipped in the new ones that bore only my name. Some how seeing my name alone on those checks made me feel so alone and miss Mike all the more!

Among one of the other hard things for me to face was doing the taxes! Mike died in August so it was about 6 months before that had to be tackled. We had an accountant, and I had helped get things together each year but this first year after his death, I had to piece back together all of the medical expenses. It was like reliving each surgery and each hospitalization. I remember laying in the floor and weeping and weeping. I could never have imagined beforehand that this would be so difficult but it was.

Then today, 21/2 years after Mike's death I found myself standing by another hospital bed and my heart breaking once again. Our daughter, Jan, suffered brain damage at 8 days of age and has never walked or talked. We cared for her at home until she was almost 17. She is now 28. She is much like a new born. She was placed on Hospice before Mike was ever diagnosed with cancer. Today Hospice called to tell me that she is declining rather rapidly. I had not visited in a couple of weeks due to having an upper respiratory infection. As I stood beside Jan, her CD of music was playing as it always does...her greatest love has always been little kids tapes. Today as I stood there, a CD that Mike and I bought for her was playing. Jan's breathing was labored and she was asleep. Her lips were bluish in color and her temperature was 102. As she breathed in and out and I suctioned her repeatedly as the fluids caused her to choke, a song came on that Mike and I had listened to many times and sang to her....it was about mom and dad's....how they love their children...it was a very pleasant upbeat song but the pain of hearing it minus Mike in the circumstances I was now facing, almost threw me to my knees. I stood over her crying out loud...trying to control my emotions but unable to at the moment. I felt small in the scheme of things and I felt very alone. I grieved for Mike, and I grieved for Jan. I began to pray and ask God to intervene and heal Jan. I know when God does choose to call her home, not only will all of Heaven welcome her, but she will walk and talk and see her daddy. I took joy in those thoughts knowing that one day they will be a reality. Until till then, I must keep my eyes focused on Him and look upward and trust once again that when I can't trace His hand, I can trust His heart. Lord Jesus, heal my heart and heal Jan's. Give me strength and give me courage. Help me to walk this path in victory claiming Your promises and seeing beyond the pain in this life to Eternity!

Note: On February 17, 2006 Jan was healed! She took one breath here and the next in Eternity. She truly was a blessing from God.

Signs of Healing!

2005-12-03T18:00:00.000-08:00

December 3, 2005 - with the tree up and decorated, I decided it was time to wrap some of the presents that I had bought for my grandsons...and I had a plan...Scooby Doo paper for two year old Will's gifts and Batman wrapping paper for five year old Jack. They could easily tell their gifts apart and so far, I found I was doing good...three gifts for each of the oldest and three for baby Sam. As I signed the cards "from Mimi", my thoughts drifted back to the first Christmas after Mike died. As I wrapped the gifts that year, I automatically started to write "from Pawpaw and Mimi" or "from Pam and Mike." I remember crying as I did each "from" card. Who would have ever thought wrapping gifts could be so painful? Tonight I realized I filled out all the cards before it struck me that it was natural to put just my name on the card. WOW! Another sign of healing! Thank you, Lord, that little by little the single Pam is learning to live in her new idenity and thank you, for allowing me to see how far I have come.

The Tree Goes Up And The Lights Still Sparkle!

2005-12-01T13:27:00.000-08:00

Here it is ...my third Christmas as a widow aka "single wife." This year so far is much easier on my emotions and there is a twinkle of light in my heart once again replacing the sadness that hung there before. Deciding last night to put up my Christmas tree, I determined to get the 71/2 foot tree up by myself. I dragged it down the steps and actually did get it put together which was an interesting and probably comical feat for a 5 ft 2 grandma! Next I began to bring down boxes of Christmas ornaments from the attic.
Mike and I were married on December 22, 1970 and that first year the ornaments were a few crudely crafted felt ones that I excitedly designed as a starry eyed 19-year-old bride. They were among the first I found last night. Then I found the ones from our second year of marriage...unfinished wooden ornaments that we purchased and painted together. Memories began to flood my heart as I sifted through the thirty-five year collection of ornaments. There were the ornaments from some travels we took...there was my Sante Fe ornament and my North Pole ornament from a Colorado trip. There were many sheep ornaments and many manger ornaments in my hodgepodge of stuff. Oh and among my most treasured in my assortment were two antique rust-topped ornaments that my son found in an old barn at my childhood home in Mississippi a few years ago...they once decked the fresh cut pine trees that my sister and I decorated in our old farm house. There were bicentennial ornaments and homeroom-mother ornaments that I made for my son's class years ago. There were ornaments that friends gave me and ones that my grandchildren gave me. Then there were special ones that my son made as a child and little framed ornaments of pictures of my children and even my grandchildren...those many years of collecting ornaments made for a heavily laden tree and many sweet and precious memories.
As I decorated the tree alone last night and listened to Christmas music, the sadness that flooded my heart the first two Christmases without Mike, truly was greatly lessened. In its place were praise and Thanksgiving to the Lord for the sweet years of blessings that were mine and for the new path of blessing gradually unfolding before me. Yes, I did feel some sadness and yes, I did feel some loneliness and a longing for by gone years...but most of all I enjoyed the vivid memories that each ornament brought forth.
Today as I enjoyed the decorated tree pieced together from my thirty five years of collecting, I knew I wanted my life to reflect the beauty I see in my Christmas tree. I want to treasure special moments and recall them throughout each year and let them adorn my heart just as those ornaments adorn my tree and I want my life to point upward just as my tree does...upwards toward Him!!!
Thank you, Lord, and teach me to live a life of joy, praise, and expectation as I move forward toward that day that I too see Your face and am with You!

First Christmas in Heaven

2005-11-10T17:37:00.000-08:00

In March of 2001 my only sister died of Melanoma. Christmas of 2001 and 2002 my sister's daughter and husband traveled from their home in Alabama to spend the holiday with us. My mom was able to come from MS and as a family we grieved together the loss of my sister. By Christmas of 2002, my husband had been diagnosed with Melanoma but we just could not allow ourselves to even think that he would lose his battle too. But Christmas of 2003 found me grieving his loss. It was almost inconceivable to me that both my sister and my husband were gone. The thought of Christmas without my husband made me almost ill. Then as it approached, it soon came into focus that none of my family was able to come for the holidays. My mom's health was too fragile for her to make the trip and my neice could not come either. My son and his wife had her family as well as me to split their time with, and it became apparent to me on about December 17 that I would be alone much of Christmas Eve. It was almost more than I could bear....and yet during that time God spoke to my heart and I knew that He would be my sustainer, and I would be okay. During this time someone shared the following poem...it brought me much strength as I faced my first Christmas without Mike. May it bring you strength as well and may God hold you close.

First Christmas in Heaven

by Wanda Bencke

I see the countless Christmas Trees

Around the world below

With tiny lights

Like heaven's stars

Reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear

For I am spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs

That people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare

With the Christmas choir up here

I have no words to tell you

The joy their voices bring

For it is beyond description

To hear the angels sing

I know how much you miss me

I see the pain inside your heart

But I am not so far away

We really aren't apart

So be happy for me dear ones

You know I hold you dear

And be glad I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year

I send you each a special gift

From my heavenly home above

I send you each a memory ofMy undying love

After all "love" is the gift

More precious than pure gold

It was always most important

In the stories Jesus told

Please love and keep each other

As my Father said to do

For I can't count the blessing

Or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas

And wipe away that tear

Remember I am spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.
A note from the author "Wanda Bencke"Lysandra Kay Bencke was my thirteen year old handicapped daughter.On Christmas day 1997, Lysandra had a seizure and was in a coma for five days before she passed away.During those five days I wrote"Christmas in Heaven".

Some Times There Is No More!

2005-10-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

"One day someone's spouse died and on that clear, cold morning in the warmth of their bedroom the remaining spouse was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat and no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, or say "I love you.." So while we have it . . it's best we love it . . . and care for it . . . and fix it when it's broken . . . and heal it when it's sick. This is true . . . for marriage . . . and old cars . . . and children with bad report cards . . . and dogs with bad hips and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it." Author Unknown

Today, over two years after my husband's death, I contemplate the words above. How true they are. Life is about change and nothing is forever, yet often we take so many things for granted. I hold my newest grandbaby who is two months old, and glance over at the first born grandson who is already five years old, and realize that these precious moments are precious but so fleeting. Will I cherish these moments as I should? Will I remember to rejoice in each new day because I've learned first hand that "Sometimes there is no more!"

Lord help me to cherish my health, my family, the life I once had with Mike, and the life I have now. Help me to embrace these new lessons that I am learning as I walk this path called widowhood and please use the lessons as a lifeline to someone now walking in this place called "when there is no more!" Lord, help us all to remember when every single thing changes, You remain the same. Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Thank you, LORD!!

Another Sunday Alone

2005-07-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

Another Sunday church service ended. I walked to my car, and drove toward a drive-thru, wanting to get the lunch thing behind me. Why did Sundays seem so hard? Then I allowed memories of past years to float through my mind.

Growing up on a farm in Southern Mississippi, Saturday was a preparation day for Sunday. We mopped the floors, dusted the furniture, and made certain our clothes were ready for Sunday. We shined our shoes and cooked at least a part of the meal that we'd share together after Sunday's services. Even my thoughts, made me recall how incredilble Mother's fried chicken tasted and what wonderful meals we shared.

Then when I married at age 19, the day was once again a family affair...first my husband and I spent it together and then as our children came along, the tradition of the big family meal continued. Many Sunday's we would invite friends home from church to eat with us.

The years flew by and our kids grew up, and we became empty nesters. We started a new tradition...each Sunday after church we went out to eat..sometimes with friends and sometimes just the two of us but once again it was a time to enjoy and share together.

July of 2002 brought a new twist to our lives. My husband of 32 years was diagnosed with Melanoma and one Sunday in July of 2003, we shared our last Sunday meal together...and by August of 2003, my sweet husband was gone.

Now I was trying to learn to live this new life as a widow. As I waited in the drive-thru line, I saw couples strolling into the restaurant holding hands. I struggled to fight back the tears, knowing that had been me not so many months before. I wanted to let down the window and say "Do you know how blessed you are? Do you know how precious this time is? Do you know that everything is just for a season? Please, please cherish each other and these moments!"

Yes, my journey was taking me through a new season of life, and I didn't like it. But I knew many had walked this path before me, and they had survived. I would, too, with God's help and one day I'd find a new norm. Until then, I would keep putting one foot in front of the other and thanking God for what I once had!! I'd been blessed...thank you, Lord, for all the Sunday's that were filled with joy and fellowship. Help me to recognize Your new blessings as they come and to live with a thankful and expectant heart.
By Pam Whitley

In Pieces

2005-07-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

My two precious grandsons sit on the quilt
that I made for my son for Christmas of 2003!

It would be my first Christmas without my beloved husband of thirty-two years. I found myself in a store buying flowers for his new tombstone as I watched others buying decorations for their Christmas trees. I found myself sorting through the remnants of his life as others prepared for family get-togethers. I knew I must find something constructive to do in the midst of all the pain.
Walking into our closet, memories flooded my soul as I saw five of my husband Mike’s favorite shirts. When our son, Ben, was in college in the early 90’s, the big flannel shirt became the fashion craze. I purchased two or three of those heavy ‘big shirts’(as they were called) for Christmas for Ben and every time he came home for the weekend, Mike would raid his closet and come out wearing one of those shirts. It became a joke. For the next few years, I bought Ben and Mike identical flannel shirts for Christmas. Ten years later, those shirts had continued to be Mike’s favorites. In fact, as he started chemo and felt chilled much of the time, he lived in those shirts.
Taking the shirts off their hangers, I laid them in a corner of my sewing room. I knew I must do something very special with them but it took a few days to get the courage to cut into the shirts. Perhaps dismantling them bore too much of a parallel to what had happened to our lives.
I found I could get several 8-inch wide strips from the front and the backs of the shirts as well as from the sleeves. Then I cut those strips into as many squares as I could, and soon I was sewing the squares back together and a quilt began to emerge.
As friends looked at my work in progress, they commented on what great choices I had made for my color combinations. Actually, I had not chosen them. They were just all of his shirts, and together they formed a beautiful color palette.
It seemed impossible to finish my project by Christmas, but I was determined. For
such a sad Christmas, there just had to be something special to give Ben, and I knew this was it. I asked God to give me the strength to complete my project and day-by-day the quilt grew larger. I sewed the labels of the shirts in some of the squares and deliberately cut strips with
pockets so that it would always be evident that the quilt was made from shirts. To finish off the project, I bordered the quilt in navy and then I machine quilted the whole
thing in a free hand motion style. I was able at times to turn my free hand motion
movements into words.
Within the quilt I wrote Whitley, 2003, Mike, Pam, Ben, Steph, Jack, and Will. I wanted this quilt to be a treasure for the generations to come. I could envision one day our grandsons searching the borders for the names woven into the design and Ben sharing fondly the memories of his dad and the shirts
On Christmas, as our son opened his gift, tears welled up in his eyes and the look on his face and the hug I received was salve to my hurting heart and I knew God was at work using the shattered pieces of our lives to bring forth treasure in the darkness.
by Pam Whitley

The Diagnosis That Changed Our Lives

2005-07-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

Written One Year After Mike's Death - by Pam

I can say that I honestly never thought about the possibility of becoming a widow…. most women probably don’t …..at least not when ones spouse is healthy and fairly young. Perhaps we are just too busy living to think of the possibility of such a thing. But one evening after my husband played golf, he showered and noticed a knot under his right arm. It had not been there the evening before. A few doctors appointments later and one surgery, on July 5, 2002, our doctor called with devastating news. As my husband and I both listened on the phone line, our doctor said, “I am so sorry to tell you this but lab reports of the tissue show it to be Malignant Melanoma.”

We both gasped in disbelief. After all, we had already fought one round with Melanoma and knew it was the deadliest form of skin cancer. Only 15 months before, I'd taken care of my sister as she lost her battle to this deadly disease. To make matters worse, we knew that in my sister’s case, the Melanoma went to the brain. I can remember my husband and I both standing totally stunned as we received the diagnosis. We hung up the phone and just held each other and sobbed, knowing that life as we'd known it was over and our world would never be the same. We called our son and told him that we needed to talk to him. We couldn’t deliver such news over the phone. Driving over to his house, we rode in shocked silence. Arriving, we sat down and broke the news as gently as we could. I remember us circling Mike and praying over him and asking God to sustain us.

As the days went by, I thought that I couldn't bare this diagnosis. I had flash backs of my sister’s death, of her fever going to 106, of meeting her at MD Anderson on Christmas day of 2000, of how sick she became and how fast the cancer spread.

“Oh Lord,” I cried, “I can’t bare this! Please, Lord, I can’t!” And my constant prayer became, “Heal Mike! Show me, Lord, what I can do!” And thus began my constant research of Melanoma online. I attacked the news just as I had the news 24 years earlier when our daughter had suffered brain damage. I thought I could make her well if I believed hard enough, fought hard enough, found the right combination of vitamins and once again, I veered into that path of the “fix it lady,” this time as a wife instead of a mom. I researched night and day. I juiced veggies, I bought supplements, I wouldn't let this cancer take my beloved Mike. But as hard as we fought, there came the day that we found the Melanoma had gone to the brain and the treatments were not working nor our radical efforts…. we had to face the fact that this disease was probably going to end in death. AND thank God, Mike knew Whom He believed in and began to look toward Home with courage and Peace.
I, on the other hand, thought I couldn't face losing Mike. I thought I couldn't go on if I was left alone. I thought I'd die too and a part of me did die that August day as Mike breathed his last breath. Yet in my heart, I knew I had to go on and that God’s Grace would be sufficient. I learned to ‘gut it up’ as Mike used to tell our son. I made myself walk where I didn’t want to walk.

One of my hardest things was going to church alone. That was something Mike and I always did together….I hated going into the midst of couples and feeling Mike’s absence so keenly. Each Sunday as I drove into the church parking lot, a new wave of grief would almost take my breath away. But I knew if I was ever to be whole again, I had to face the pain and walk through it.

I'm still facing the pain and walking through it one day at a time. It'll soon be a year since I hugged my precious Mike good-bye ….and I can say, I've made it.
Has it been hard? You bet, it's been awful….yet in the pain, I've grown. I'm stronger and I know one day I'll be able to breathe-in without the gnawing hole that is still in my heart. I know that God is going to bring me through this trial and that He, in His Grace, is equipping me to help others that'll walk here. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, with my eyes focused on Him. He's able to do abundantly above that which I'm able to imagine. I'll choose to continue to trust an all knowing God with an unknown future as I daily cry out to Him to sustain me. I'll trust Him to do that which He has promised…to carry me when I can’t walk, to make the crooked way straight before me, and to sustain me with His power when the night is long. I'll believe that the best is yet to be…and one day I will look into my Father’s eyes, and I'll walk those streets of gold, and see Mike again! Yes, I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other until I, too, finish my course and arrive Home!