Songs That Help the Healing Process

I have always loved music. When I was a young woman and our daughter suffered brain damage, God used many songs to give me strength to endure the trial and even to bring healing to my weary heart. Some that come to mind are "Because He Lives" and "I Am a Promise" and several others sang by the Gaithers. In the loss of my husband, once again music has spoken to my heart and continues to be a salve of healing. Hopefully you can click on the link below and listen to "The Anchor Holds". I love the truth of this song! I pray you will too! I will include the words in case your computer set up does not allow you to listen.......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FL112E3NjqU

The Anchor Holds

Words and Music by Lawrence Chewning and Ray Boltz© 1994 - Word Music

I have journeyed through the long, dark night

Out on the open sea,

By faith alone, sight unknown,

And yet His eyes were watching me.
The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

Well, I have fallen on my knees,as I faced the raging sea,

But the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.
I've had visions and I've had dreams;

Well, I've even held them in my hands,

But I never knew those dreamscould slip right through

Like they were only grains of sand.
Oh, the Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

Well, I have fallen on my knees, as I faced the raging seas.

Oh, the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.
Now I have been young, but I am older now.

Oh, and there has been beauty these eyes have seen;

But it was in the night,when I faced the storms of my life.

Oh, that's where God proved His love to me.
The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

I have fallen, fallen down on my knees, as I faced the raging seas.

But the Anchor holds; Oh, in spite of the storm.
I said I've fallen, fallen down on my knees, as I faced the raging seas;

But the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.

Another group of songs have been by Jeremy Camp...

http://www.jeremycamp.com/tunes.html

click on this..then click on "Carried" and then "Will I Walk By Faith?"

You will only hear a snipet...if you have songs that have helped you, please share a comment with me that others may 'hear' also.

Jeremy Camps wife died of cancer only a few months after they married...I love most of his songs...clipped from his sitet..."'Will I walk by faith even when I cannot see?' It's about learning how to take the next step even when you don't understand what's happening in your life." Another song, 'Take My Life' "is a passionate, worshipful song. It's basically saying, Here I am Lord, take me completely, don't let me hold anything for myself." Jeremy's experiences have given him what he calls an "eternal perspective."

Also Mercy Me's "I Can Only Imagine" has ministered to me greatly and many of their songs..

"Held" by Natalie Grant has also spoken to my heart...so do allow God to minister to you through His people and the music He has given them.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FL112E3NjqU

Letting the Seasons Change

By Pam Whitley

Written - October 29, 2004

We loaded the band saw into the back of my son’s Toyota Four-Runner and he hopped into his vehicle, shifted gears, and backed out of the drive way. I followed him in my car with it also loaded as we moved among the last of my things out of my house.

It was late October and the leaves blew across our paths as we followed the street out of my addition and headed for my new residence. Just as the seasons were changing in the weather, they were changing in my life as well.

The Four Runner my son was driving, my husband and I had purchased for him 10 years earlier when he was a junior in college. Recently he had purchased a new car and when my move was over, he would sell this old vehicle. That vehicle almost felt like a member of the family! We had made dorm moves in it, then apartment moves, and later, after he married, I'd followed as he and his new bride moved to married student housing.

On this day, I couldn’t help but cry as I followed this vehicle once again though the twists and turns of my neighborhood. The other moves had been joyful, this move was to move me from the home my husband and I shared to the home where I would live as a widow. My son was now 31 years old with two children of his own, and I was the one in need of assistance. As that old red Four Runner made one last run loaded to the brim, I thought of how the seasons had changed…. and how I had to let them change and keep my eyes on Him.

God’s Faithfulness

Written a couple of weeks before my husband died.
I saw my husband Mike's once strong body slowly succumbing to the cancer that had attacked so viciously. “Oh Lord, give us strength to walk wherever this path is leading.” 

Opening my Bible, I was drawn to 2 Corinthians 5:1-9 Our Heavenly Dwelling
1For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down--when we die and leave these bodies--we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new heavenly bodies. 4Our dying bodies make us groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by everlasting life. 5God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. 6So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7That is why we live by believing and not by seeing. 8Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9So our aim is to please him always, whether we are here in this body or away from this body
Lord,  if you are giving me this scripture, then I think I know where this leads. I didn’t want to believe that so I didn't share the scripture with my husband, Mike. A few days later, Mike retired to our upstairs theater room to watch the movie Gettysburg. Soon, he came down the stairs and said, “Pam, God just gave me a scripture through that movie. Stonewall Jackson read this to his men before they went to battle.” Mike had his little new testament with him and he started to read II Corinthians 5 to me.
I started crying and then shared with Mike that God had given me the same scripture only a few days earlier. Putting his arms around me Mike said, “It’s going to be okay!” And I knew it would be. God was watching over us and would supply the strength we needed to walk through the valley that yet lay ahead. He was proving Himself day by day! 

“Father God, help us to walk each day by faith, not by sight!”

I Miss the Little Things!

Written 18 months after my husband died

Sometimes I think it is the little things that I miss the most. It’s been 18 months now since my husband exchanged he cancer-ridden body for his new tent. I am happy for him…. as I sing praises on Sunday mornings, I can see in my minds eye him standing strong and whole in the presence of the King. I can just see him in a sea of Believers with a huge smile on his face. That is such a comfort to me…but how I miss all the little things. I miss his presence on the cold winter nights as I crawl into bed…. he always said, “don’t stick those size nines to me”….then he would laugh and shudder as I stuck my cold feet to his legs (they weren't size nines either!) I miss the toilet seat being left up. I used to gripe at him for leaving it up because if I got up in the night, I'd fall in!. What I'd give to have that toilet seat left up one more time. I miss his arm around my shoulders as we sat in church together and his off key singing. I miss having him come in and take the lid off whatever I had cooking on the stove and then after he gave it his taste test, telling me what seasoning it needed. I miss his laugh, it was infectious. I miss the sound of him shuffling down the tiled hallway barefooted. I miss his telephone calls….they were never lengthy, just fairly often during the day. I miss sharing the joy of the grandbabies exploits and the pride in seeing our son succeed. I miss taking a walk together in the cool of the day. I miss being able to confide in him my hurts and my concerns and having him do the same with me. I miss making decisions together and rolling stuff off of him for his opinion. I just miss him. But as I contemplate how much I miss him, I can also say once again how thankful I am that I was loved by a Godly man and able to walk beside him for almost 33 years. I truly do miss all the little things!

Workshop

  My Murphy is the gray-headed gentleman.

I've just returned this past week from Atlanta. I was in "A One Day Intensive Writer's Workshop" led by Cec Murphy.  He ghost wrote "Ninety Minutes in Heaven" and "Gifted Hands-the Ben Carson Story," and about 108 other books.  I learned so much.  My friend Sue hosted the workshop.  I flew from OK, Sue's sister-in-law flew from Dallas, a pastor drove from South Carolina, and  another lady came from the Georgia area.  We'd all been writing  for weeks and sending Mr. Murphy five pages at a time.  He'd make comments and then send them back to us to redo.  I send one more five page set to him this week.  He's been so gracious and we've learned so much.  Now I must apply it and keep on writing!

Fun With The Boys

Christmas was a lot of fun this year.  Some of my most memorable moments will be:

I made Jack and Will fleece blankets a few years ago.  At that time I was able to buy panels...in that case with a big batman on it.  Sam wanted a Hulk blanket but I couldn't find any Hulk fabric .  I did find a patterned fleece with Batman on it. Sam thought that would work and I bought it and took it to him. When he saw it,  he cried.   The pattern repeats and is staggered.  I had cut off Batman's head every third batman all the way around the edge..he was heart broken. That blanket didn't work.

Will and Jack helped me write a little story.  Steph snapped a picture of Max last summer as he stood in the toilet. The boys made-up-story follows.

It was a hot July day.  Little Max was looking for a cool place to stick his feet. He saw the neatest little boat, just his size.  He climbed right in and held on tightly to the sides.  In came Mama,  "OH No" she cried as she ran to get the camera.  In came Will, "hey, what is Max doing in the toilet.  In came Jack, "let's flush him.  In came Sam, Nooooo, don't fwush baby."

The boys laughed and laughed as they wrote that little story and Mimi had fun too.  Then there is a UTUBE video called "Charlie Bit My Finger."  I played that for them on my lap top.  They giggled so hard then Will and Sam watched it over and over.   So much fun.

One of the highlights was playing "I'm Sorry" with the kids and then lots of hugs from Max.

There were no dull moments and plenty of food and fun.  I am blessed.  

January 1, 2009

wow, it is hard to believe 2009 is here.   I loved the holidays this year. It is the first time I can make that statement since Mike died.  My last Christmas with him was 2002 so it has been a long time in coming. This year I spent Dec. 23rd thru Dec. 29 with my son and his family. It was delightful.  It felt so good to be back in the midst of a family and family activities. It felt wonderful to kiss little ones good night and be greeted with hugs in the mornings.  What a special gift.  Thank you Lord. Thank you, Ben and Steph.  

Anniversary of His Homegoing

It is five years today since my husband of 33 years went Home.  I still miss him everyday.  I made some huge mistakes along the way but I have survived with God's help.   AND finally I am learning to be "content in my present circumstances!" I am learning who I am and to press forward. 

Lately, I have been working a lot on scrapbooking and until recently, I still cried when I looked at the pictures. Now, I have sweet memories.  What a relief that even that pain has subsided. Then it took me five years to even sort the contents of my husband's desk, but I have it done now.   I know many people move through their grief more quickly and I wish I had been one of those.  I can only 'suppose' why my journey was so long...Perhaps it was because I never had a career and for most of my life, I was a caregiver to our handicapped daughter and my life was built around caregiving and my marriage.  So was my idenity.  It has taken time for me to embrace this place of singleness and see it as a gift, though not a chosen or wanted gift.  It's a new season and a new life.   The old season was sweet and I loved it but I can't stay there and must allow myself to move forward.  So I am diving into this new life!  

In God's Waiting Room

I moved to this home right after Mike's death and even then, I knew this was a temporary place to stop. I sorted as many of his things at that time as I could bear but moved much of it here. Five years later and the stuff remained as it was, either boxed or stuffed here and there. It overwhelmed me every time I opened a closet door, or looked in the attic, or stepped into my garage. Mike was a pack rat and I was too....I'd always kept the house looking nice but behind the closet doors and stuffed in drawers, and piled in the garage and attic, the stuff had overrun my life. Thinking of moving again was almost like a nightmare and I was too paralyzed to do anything about it. God met me right where I was and provided help in an abundant way!
First, a dear friend came along beside me and helped. Very gifted at organizing, her skills were put to the test here. In two weeks, with her help, we had gone through every drawer and closet in my home and tackled the garage. We spent days sorting through things and in the midst a friend of hers came to our rescue and provided extra insight. Then two more friends of mine came to our aid as well. I was in awe of His provision and my friend's giving hearts. Unbelievable strides were made. In the midst of it all, I made trip after trip to the Hope Center with my car loaded with donations of both Mike's stuff and mine. I took many things to my son's house and threw much away but little by little my house came into order pus I discovered that I really did have a three car garage! As soon as everything was as near perfect as it was going to be, a sign went up in my yard and the house went on the market. The housing market is slow right now and I have no idea if it will sell. I am at peace with whatever happens but if nothing else, the attempt to move has made me face a lot of "stuff'" and deal with it.  And as I have de-cluttered my home, I feel He helped me do much sorting in my heart as well. I had a lot of "stuff" there that needed to be dealt with.  My heart was overrun with guilt, fear, grief and much more. Like my house clutter, these wrong thought patterns had overwhelmed me for a long time, but I hadn't known what to do. But just as He brought me help for my home, He brought help for my heart in ways I could never have fathomed. All I can do is say, thank you, Lord and ask Him to please help me keep my house and my heart as clutter free as possible!

Strongholds

I've been studying about strongholds.  II Corinthians 10:3-5   We are human, but we don't wage war with human plans and methods.  We use God's mighty weapons, not mere worldly weapons, to knock down the Devil's strongholds.  With these weapons we break down every proud argument that keeps people from knowing God. With these weapons, we conquer their rebellious ideas, and we teach them to obey Christ.  

As the devil's days grow shorter, we see strongholds growing stronger.  A stronghold is anything that ranks in a higher position in our mind than it should becoming the consuming force within us, rather than God.  It can control us so that it is the main thing we meditate on. A few obvious strongholds are unforgiveness, loss, grief,  various addictions etc.  Basically, anything that strangles the abundant life within us.  A stronghold consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that our intended purpose lies dormant, squelched by the stronghold.  The stronghold controls our thoughts.  We are mastered by it.

Strongholds are like minefields.  They liter the path we're walking, attempting to prevent us from having a intimate, personal relationship with Christ.  Strongholds have strong holds on us. We have to identify them to start to break their hold on our lives.

Our pastor taught this last week on Strongholds within the church.   I saw very clearly that at different times in my life I'd been fooled by the enemy and fallen into one or more of these strongholds. 

1. Church-ism - diminishes the gospel to activities at church.  It creates a pretense that I'm living for Christ, but has me in a cycle of activities, not necessarily in relationship with Christ.
2. Legalism - ignores the fact that you can't please God by what you do.  It causes self-righteous attitudes, I'm doing it right.  It can keep us on a treadmill of being good/doing good.  WORKS, WORKS, WORKS.  A legalistic person thinks they are right.
3. Activism - Identity is reduced to standing up for what is wrong - we replace the relationship with Christ with fighting something. 
4. Biblicism - need to be expert students on the Bible.  Biblicism can replace the relationship itself with the Bible....We worship God, not the Bible. We've all probably met someone that has the bible in first place but they don't operate with a heart of love or radiate Christ.
5. Fellowship-ism - we should provoke one another to toward relationship with Christ.  If we replace the relationship with fellowship, then that too can become a stronghold.
6.  Mysticism - Worships emotions and experiences instead of pursuing relationship.   

We're called to be His salt and light and the enemy of our souls will detour us anyway he can.  He'll use good things that look right and deceive us.  He'll use bad things and then fill us with guilt.  He'll do anything to keep our focus away from the intimate relationship that Christ desires.  He's been successful with me in many areas...I want to break free and walk in victory.  His Word is my sword and prayer keeps me in communion with Him. Those two things are my path to victory.  With His word and prayer, He'll help us take back the territory the enemy has stolen.  We must choose to learn to think His thoughts about every matter rather than our own or the enemies and knock down the strongholds..  Gal 5:1b Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery. 

Another New Year!

As I start into another new year, I am seeking to be more consistent with my time with the Lord.  So much of the time. I quickly read my scripture or my devotional and by the time I have finished, I don't recall what I just read.   I don't want it to be that way.  This morning I read this in Daily Bread:

You'll go forth a little stronger

With a fresh supply of grace,

If each day you meet the Savior

In a secret, quiet place..  

Too often, Lord, I am not even expecting You to speak.   I come doing my routine "duty"coming into a routine place rather than a secret place with You....hurting myself and hindering what You desire to do in my life and how You desire to speak.   Lord, help me to joyfully seek You, to expectantly listen for Your voice, and to know You want to do mighty things in the life of all Your children...even me!  Open the eyes of my heart that I may hear you!!  

Psalms 119:18  Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from your law.

A New Norm

Here it is almost Christmas Eve. This will be my fifth Christmas without Mike after thirty-three with him. I have come a long way in this five years. I'd dreaded the holidays every year since his death and this year was no exception. I just wanted them to pass. This year the fact that my kids moved out of state & the month was filled with snow storms, ice storms, and cold weather normally would have done me in!  Normally even the thought of being alone in snow storms, power outages, and ice would have been my horror. BUT I have made it very well. Perhaps it's because a few weeks ago, I felt the Lord said to me, "Do you really believe I am sovereign?" Of course, my answer was "yes"! Then I felt He asked me that again,and then a third time...and I had to realize that if I really believe that He is sovereign, then I have to accept as from His hand all of the changes that have come my way. & I have to embrace the loneliness, knowing that He has truly said "I will never leave or forsake you!" I can with His help accept that all has changed and I AM OKAY!!! He is in charge...the loss, the change, THE CHANGE, the unknown..are in His hands. Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness. Thank You, for the lessons that You are teaching me. Thank you that you are strengthening me!

Trip Between Storms!

The weather man has told us we have a break in the weather(a short break)...we are supposed to be pounded with another storm tomorrow evening so this grandma headed to Tulsa to see her babies!  If the weather holds off long enough for me to head home tomorrow afternoon, I will! I have a new lap top and took these pics with the computer....the boys thought that was rather fun.  I found it bit challenging...attempting to turn the computer towards us, scrolling on the screen with one hand, and clicking the right button while trying to hold little ones and get a smile.  Challenging but FUN!   They are fast asleep and I am blogging to unwind!

Ice Storm - 2007

The ice storm started to hit late Sunday evening and by yesterday morning, by ten a.m...my entire addition and several around me had lost their electricity. Other areas lost it earlier--some later--the news has declared it the largest power outage in the history of our state with 500,000 families across the state without power. I called my kids in Tulsa and found their power went down in the middle of the night--about 2 a.m. At least I had it until morning. As the day progressed, I was dreading greatly spending the night alone in a cold and dark home so I was very thankful when a girlfriend invited me to her home for the evening. She lives about four miles away, West and North of me. I packed up my car and headed out to her house about 3 p.m. to make certain I was there before it iced more. Her power stayed on through it all. Thankfully mine was back on this morning. It has rained all day but is warm enough that it is not freezing...in fact, much has thawed and I am just now thinking to take pictures...so it looks much better out than it did. The icicles are almost gone...they were about seven inches long and hanging off of everything on my back porch earlier this morning. So with my heat and lights back on, I am delighted to be at home.

Now if this big tree doesn't have any of its branches break!

Cold Day But Warm Hearts and Fun Cookie Exchange!

There were ten of us. We baked our cookies and pooled them together. Then we met for lunch at my house, and we laughed a lot and did I mention, we did eat just a few cookies and everyone got to take home 4 dozen calorie filled treats.

For lunch we had Chicken Lasagna with salad and French Bread. I made a recipe of "Kissmas" Cookies and have included the lasagna Recipe and cookie recipe below.
Recipes:









































White Chicken Lasagna
Cook 8 lasagna noodles and set aside.

Saute in 1/2 cup butter:
1 cup diced green onion
1/2 cup diced celery
1 tsp. minced garlic
Add:
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1/4 cup of milk
1 tsp. Italian seasoning
1 large carton cottage cheese
8 oz. cream cheese'
2 cups cooked shredded chicken breast

Alternate in backing pan:
Layer of noodles
Layer of sauce
Shredded Monterey Jack cheese

Bake at 350 until bubbly and cheese is melted.

I made this a week ago and froze it..put it in the refrigerator last night and baked about an hour today. Tossed a salad, and baked some french bread!! Yummy!

Kissmas Cookies

1/2 cup shortening
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup brown sugar packed
1/4 cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla or almond extract
21/2 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup chopped cherries (drain them well)

Mix all of the above, stirring in cherries last. Make into small tsp. sized balls...roll in:

1 egg white beaten with 1 Tb. water. Then roll in:
Chopped pecans(It took me a little over 2 cups of pecans to have enough)...I had an asssembly going...rolled in the egg white and then rolled it in the chopped pecans....I flattened slightly and baked at 375 for about 12 minutes. As soon as they came out of the oven, I had 48 hershey kisses already unwrapped and stuck them quickly into the centers of the cookies. I baked them Friday night so you can look at Friday's blog and see them fresh out of the oven on the wire racks.

Baking Cookies!!!

Don't they smell good? : )

His Next Journey for me -Ecuador???

In this journey as a single wife, I am searching diligently to find purpose and joy in this unexpected twist called widowhood. I pray and look expectantly for Him to open doors for me to serve.
Our church took a medical mission trip to Ecuador this fall and the door swung wide open for me to go. I had never been out of the country yet a friend had asked me to go with them to get a passport about a year ago and I applied and got mine as well. Then a new friend wanted me to go with her on this mission trip and the timing was perfect for me to go. What a blessing that trip was!! The people were precious and the needs so great. Having been a caregiver for so many years to my daughter, the role of triage person--interviewing the people via an interpreter to find out their greatest needs--and then sending them on to the appropriate doctor--fit me like a glove. I felt very fulfilled to have a small role in helping a very needy people..the Quechua Indians. Thank you, Lord, for helping me find new areas of service and fulfilment.

Overcoming My Fears!

My friends all know that I am directionally challenged. I have blamed it on growing up in the hills and hollows of Southern Mississippi. I never remember hearing anyone refer to directions such as north, south, east or west. From my home eight miles out in the country, I recall places being referred to as "lets go down to town, over to the store, up to the church, and out to my brother's." Consequently, I find it difficult to know my directions unless the sun is distinctly in the East or West. So recently it came as a shock to me, my friends and my family when I decided to drive myself from Oklahoma to Mississippi. Since my husband's death, I have made all of my journey's by plane but the flights to Mississippi have gotten very tiring. With a three hour lay over in Houston and a 11/2 hour drive from Jackson to my mom's home, it only takes about 2 hours longer to make the drive. Since my mom has gone into a nursing home recently, I have tried to make the trip more often. So armed with a navigational devise, the Purpose Driven Life on CD, and insured with State Farm & AAA, I launched out on my first ever long road trip by myself. It was interesting, because that was one of the things that I would have never dreamed that I would attempt, but I felt it was one of the things God was prompting me to trust Him with. I drove half way the first day and stopped and checked into a motel that evening. It felt strange doing that alone but at the same time it also felt somewhat empowering. I arrived at my mom's the next day around 3 p.m. I had successfully completed the first leg of the trip! I enjoyed visiting my mom until late that day and was then able to visit with her on Sunday, and Monday morning before I headed back to Oklahoma. The whole trip, I only got lost once....then because I didn't know how to put the space in the word "Little Rock" on the navigational device. I listened to the whole book on my journey and parts of it twice. It was such a blessed time, and I know now I can go wherever He calls me to go. Another fear conquered! Another task done in His strength! What else do you want me to do Lord? I am ready!

The Realization of the Magnitude of the Loss

I am three and one half years down this road called widowhood and the pain and grief of the loss of my mate is still very overwhelming to my heart. On the day my husband took his last breath, life as I knew it ended. I realized that at the time but the magnitude of the loss would take a few years to sink in. Holidays would never be the same, relationships with others would be forever changed, as so many aspects of the life we shared were gone in an instant. I moved from married to single, from feeling loved to feeling alone, from a household of two to that of one, from a strong twosome to a lonely onesome, from grandma and grandpa with two sets of hands, and overnight, I became the sole decision maker. Since I hadn't had a career, I'd been one of those women who'd built their life around their husband's schedule. What I cooked, how I spent my evenings, my time, everything  revolved around him & his schedule. With his death, I faced learning a whole new language, whether financial lingo, house repairs, car repairs, etc or even what TV shows to watch (Men always hold the remote, don't they??)...I learned the buck stopped with me.

As a young woman, I had married early in life, leaving my parent's home to take on the new role of bride. I cherished that role and never desired anything but to be the best wife, mother, and helpmate that I could be. Now suddenly at age 52, over night after 13 months of watching the love of my life die, I knew half of me died as well and I knew that only God could make me whole again. Even so, it would take me a long time to learn to walk in that wholeness. But, I knew I must find those other single ladies out there who were also dealing with weekends and lawns and loneliness. I knew they were out there, I just hadn't known any very well before I became one. I also knew I had to learn how to let Him be my healer and my completer. I am still working on that!

Things I have learned along the way: There is nothing as lonely as the weekend....except holidays or birthdays. Somehow I managed the week fairly well, but when Friday hit, I knew the phone stopped ringing and the e-mail went silent. My married friends and family were busy with their families, as they should be., may I add...as I once was.  I had to learn to get a new plan. It took time but it gradually happened. In the midst of all of this, I knew that I had so much to be thankful for but in my pain, many times it was easier to focus on the pain and loss than to count my blessings. Once again, I knew that from the beginning and even wrote about it but during the course of grief, my thoughts have at times become pretty self focused. I guess it is much like smashing a toe, when the pain is severe, it's hard not to focus on that throbbing appendage. My cry was"but Lord, what about me? I hurt! I hurt! I am so lonely! I know You are there, but Lord, I am lonely and I miss Mike and our life!" I knew I had to learn to speak His Words back to him and say, "I hurt but You, My King, are more than enough. Lord, You have said that You will never leave or forsake me and I must rest there! You have allowed this to occur; help me now to allow you to do a mighty work in me."  And I did learn to do that but it took time in the process of grief.

And He continued to be faithful to me in the midst of my pity parties and grief.  One day, I talked on the phone with a new acquaintance who was also a widow, but a bit further down the road than me. As she shared, she said that all four of her children lived quite a distance away. Her husband had always driven as they made the trek to visit them. I loved how she put it..."you know, that baby sugar is so important,"so after her husband's death, she made the choice to strike out through the metro-plex of Dallas to see those grandchildren. She further shared that she views everything in her life as a training ground with the Lord and driving through areas that she would not have attempted before has been a step of faith for her.... she made the choice to pray, trust Him, and go for the whatever!.  I loved her attitude and knew that I wanted to be like her. More than that, I felt the Lord wanted me to be that way too! I believe He desires for all of us to face the challenges that come our way....embrace them, focus on Him, and go forth in our journey with an expectant heart.

So in this ever changing journey of faith, today I ask You, Lord, to help me be more like my new acquaintance and grasp more tightly to Your hand and walk forward with You, seeing once again that the title Widow is something You ordained as a part of Your training for me. Help me to not fail nor grow weary. Help my focus to stay on You and Your mighty power as my provider and comforter. May I truly know You as My Great I AM who 'am' more than enough for me! And Father, thank you for phone calls that come right when I need them the most. Thank you, my new brave friend!

Thoughts and More Thoughts!

It is July of 2006 and the year has brought with it a continual saga of change. On February 17, which incidentally was my mom's 92nd birthday, my sweet daughter Jan died. It was an icy, snowy evening much like when Jan was born....one moment she was breathing and the next she entered Eternity. Later I would ask the Lord about Jan dying on my mom's birthday. Jan had been on Hospice for 4 years....it seemed no coincidence that her Homegoing would occur on that date......as I turned my eyes toward Him, He seemed to say to me, "your mom has prayed for Jan more than any other person throughout Jan's life...I chose to answer your mom's prayers on her birthday and give Jan the gift of healing." That brought me peace, and I was also able to share that with my mom.

May rolled around and it seemed it wasn't until then that the loss of Jan really sank in. I remember one day really realizing that Jan was gone. I had carried her close to my heart for her whole life and felt a strong responsibility all of her twenty-eight years. The realization that she was gone, and that I was no longer her caregiver brought with it another identity crisis for me. I remember thinking then "I just don't think I can take any more changes, Lord." At that time I was engaged and the thought of marriage even seemed more than I could possibly bear. It represented more major adjustments and challenges that I was just not emotionally ready for. More grief to face and news that would inflict pain on a gentleman's life that I really cared for. "Help Lord!" Then in the midst of all of this, I knew my mom's health was declining. I remember thinking, "Lord, I am certainly not ready to deal with the loss of my mom!" She and I were very close even though she lived in Mississippi..I would talk to her at least two to three times a day...on the morning of June 8th when I called to check on what kind of night she had, from what she described, I knew she had had a stroke. Oh my! Immediately I tried to get a flight to Mississippi....failing to find one, my son told me he would drive me the 12 hours and then he would catch a flight back to Oklahoma the next day. Today, July 28th finds me returning from Mississippi having spent a month there helping take care of my mom. She had still lived on her own but the stroke took her independence and a nursing home seemed the next step....a step that she chose, a step that brought grief to us kids.

At this point, I am numb yet in the midst God has given me the strength to continue by taking it one day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other. I must keep taking one day at a time and "do the next thing" that He puts in my path.

Jan's obit from February follows -"We find comfort today because Janice Marie , age 28, is at Home with the Lord. Entering this world at 12:54 p.m on January 1, 1978, Jan was Oklahoma City's New Years baby. On Feb. 17, 2006 Jesus called out to Jan 'let My little child come to Me' and she ran to Him with outstretched arms calling 'Daddy, Daddy, I'm finally home!' Jan, daughter of Pam & the late Mike, was born with a congenital heart defect that was discovered when she was 8 days old. Complications during surgery left Jan permanently brain damaged, but God used her life mightily to teach us many lessons. Jan's beautiful smile and fun loving spirit have been a delight to all who knew her and many lives have been changed by her life and her story. Not only did Jan find delight in people, but she was also delighted in listening to Children's Christian music. Her Christian tapes which normally could be found playing 24 hours a day. Jan is survived by her mom, Pam, her brother Ben, Ben's wife Stephanie, and their three sons, Jack, Will, and Sam. A very special thanks to all of the care-givers that have shared in Jan's life. Special thanks go to Bradford Village and Vista Care Hospice. Funeral services will be held at 2:00 p.m. Monday, Feb. 20, 2006."