The Diagnosis That Changed Our Lives

Written One Year After Mike's Death - by Pam
I can say that I honestly never thought about the possibility of becoming a widow…. most women probably don’t …..at least not when ones spouse is healthy and fairly young. Perhaps we are just too busy living to think of the possibility of such a thing. But one evening after my husband played golf, he showered and noticed a knot under his right arm. It hadn't been there the evening before. A few doctors appointments later and one surgery, on July 5, 2002, our doctor called  with devastating news. As my husband and I both listened on the phone,  Dr. Deck said, “I am so sorry to tell you this but lab reports on the tissue show it to be Malignant Melanoma.”

We both gasped in disbelief. After all, we had already fought Melanoma and knew it was the deadliest form of skin cancer. Only 15 months before, I'd taken care of my sister the last week of her life as she lost her battle to this deadly disease. To make matters worse, we knew that in my sister’s case, the Melanoma went to the brain. I can remember my husband and I both standing totally stunned as we received the diagnosis. We hung up the phone and just held each other and sobbed, knowing that life as we'd known it was over and our world would never be the same. We called our son and told him that we needed to talk to him. We couldn’t deliver such news over the phone. Driving over to his house, we rode in shocked silence. Arriving, we sat down and broke the news as gently as we could. I remember us circling Mike and praying over him and asking God to sustain us.

As the days went by, I thought that I couldn't bare this diagnosis. I had flash backs of my sister’s death, of her fever going to 106, of meeting her at MD Anderson on Christmas day of 2000, of how sick she became and how fast the cancer spread.

“Oh Lord,” I cried, “I can’t bare this! Please, Lord, I can’t!” And my constant prayer became, “Heal Mike! Show me, Lord, what I can do!” And thus began my constant research of Melanoma online. I attacked the news just as I had the news 24 years earlier when our daughter had suffered brain damage. I thought I could make her well if I believed hard enough, fought hard enough, found the right combination of vitamins and once again, I veered into that path of the “fix it lady,” this time as a wife instead of a mom. I researched night and day. I juiced veggies, I bought supplements, I wouldn't let this cancer take my beloved Mike. But as hard as we fought, there came the day that we found the Melanoma had gone to the brain and the treatments were not working nor our radical efforts…. we had to face the fact that this disease was probably going to end in death. AND thank God, Mike knew Whom He believed in and began to look toward Home with courage and Peace.
I, on the other hand, thought I couldn't face losing Mike. I thought I couldn't go on if I was left alone. I thought I'd die too and a part of me did die that August day as Mike breathed his last breath. Yet in my heart, I knew I had to go on and that God’s Grace would be sufficient. I learned to ‘gut it up’ as Mike used to tell our son. I made myself walk where I didn’t want to walk. 

One of my hardest things was going to church alone. That was something Mike and I always did together….I hated going into the midst of couples and feeling Mike’s absence so keenly. Each Sunday as I drove into the church parking lot, a new wave of grief would almost take my breath away. But I knew if I was ever to be whole again, I had to face the pain and walk through it. 

I'm still facing the pain and walking through it one day at a time. It'll soon be a year since I hugged my precious Mike good-bye ….and I can say, I've made it.
Has it been hard? You bet, it's been awful….yet in the pain, I've grown. I'm stronger and I know one day I'll be able to breathe-in without the gnawing hole that is still in my heart. I know that God is going to bring me through this trial and that He, in His Grace, is equipping me to help others that'll walk here. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, with my eyes focused on Him. He's able to do abundantly above that which I'm able to imagine. I'll choose to continue to trust an all knowing God with an unknown future as I daily cry out to Him to sustain me.  I'll trust Him to do that which He has promised…to carry me when I can’t walk, to make the crooked way straight before me, and to sustain me with His power when the night is long. I'll believe that the best is yet to be…and one day I will look into my Father’s eyes, and I'll  walk those streets of gold, and  see Mike again! Yes, I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other until I, too, finish my course and arrive Home!