I am now two and one half years down the road in this journey of grief. Thinking back to those first months after Mike died, I remember how difficult they were. Never had my heart been so broken or so sad...never had my life been so turned upside down. I knew God still had a plan for me but in the midst of the brokenness, I wondered if I would ever be whole again. After all, Mike and I had become one flesh and at his death, it felt as if half of me had died. BUT the scripture declares He is our Restorer, our Comforter, and our Sustainer, and even more than that, He is the Husband to the husbandless. I knew that was truth even when I did not feel it. I had to walk on by faith and trust that the feeling would some day follow.
I learned that I had to walk through a long tunnel of grief to ever come out on the other side and live again, and I learned that I had to choose to walk even when every part of my being said it couldn't go on. Many days I took more steps backwards than forward and some days I just wanted to cease to be and go be with the Lord, but I knew I must continue forward even when it was an act of faith, and I must embrace my many God-given blessings.
There were so many difficult things to deal with besides the material goods left from 33 years of living as one. Three months after Mike died, I remember wondering if I was supposed to take my wedding rings off. I hadn't even thought of it before. Then I started to attend a Sunday School class made up of women who were widows, marrieds, and singles. I found myself looking at women's left hands to attempt to find the other widows in the class....then looking at my own...I realized that I still appeared to be married. Thinking about it, I realized that those precious rings were slipped on my finger by Mike with the vows of...till death do us part'.. and now for me it was time to take off the rings. I moved them first to my right hand and for weeks they went back and forth from left to right...and then my precious daughter-in-law went with me to purchase a new ring to wear on my left hand. Finally I was able to put up my rings. Death had indeed parted us...and gradually I would learn to live in my new identity and new role.
It took me over a year to have new checks printed that didn't bear Mike's name. Why was that was so hard? I think there was comfort in still seeing 'Mike or Pam' when I opened my check book. Finally I made the decision to order new checks, but I cried for quite awhile when they arrived, and then I slipped in the new ones that bore only my name. Seeing only my name on those checks made me feel so alone and I missed Mike all the more!
Among one of the other hard things for me to face was doing the taxes! Mike died in August so it was about 6 months before that had to be tackled. We had an accountant, and I had helped get things together each year but this first year after his death, I had to piece back together all of the medical expenses. It was like reliving each surgery and each hospitalization. I remember laying in the floor and weeping and weeping. I could never have imagined beforehand that this would be so difficult but it was.
Then today, 21/2 years after Mike's death I found myself standing by another hospital bed and my heart breaking once again. Our daughter, Jan, suffered brain damage at 8 days of age and has never walked or talked. We cared for her at home until she was almost 17. She is now 28. She is much like a new born. She was placed on Hospice before Mike was ever diagnosed with cancer. Today Hospice called to tell me that she is declining rather rapidly. I had not visited her in a few days due because I had an upper respiratory infection. As I stood beside Jan, her CD of music was playing as it always does...her greatest love has always been little kids tapes. Today as I stood there, a CD that Mike and I bought for her was playing. Jan's breathing was labored and she was asleep. Her lips were bluish in color and her temperature was 102. As she breathed in and out and I suctioned her repeatedly as the fluids caused her to choke, a song came on that Mike and I had listened to many times and sang to her....it was about mom and dads....how they love their children...it was a very pleasant upbeat song but the pain of hearing it minus Mike in the circumstances I was now facing, almost threw me to my knees. I stood over her crying out loud...trying to control my emotions but unable to at the moment. I felt small in the scheme of things and once again, I felt very alone. I grieved for Mike, and I grieved for Jan. I began to pray and ask God to intervene and heal Jan. I knew when God did call her home, not only would all of Heaven welcome her, but she'd walk and talk for the first time, and see her daddy. I took joy in those thoughts knowing that soon they will be a reality. Until then, I knew I must keep my eyes focused on Him and look upward and trust once again that when I can't trace His hand, I can ALWAYS trust His heart. Lord Jesus, heal my heart and heal Jan's. Give me strength and give me courage. Help me to walk this path in victory claiming Your promises and seeing beyond the pain in this life to Eternity!
Note: On February 17, 2006 Jan was healed! She took one breath here and the next in Eternity. She truly was a blessing from God.
