Notes on Life

Since I last wrote on this blog, many changes have taken place in my life. I started singlewivesclub as a widow who was grieving and in pain and now I write again, as a bride who is loving her new life.

I've been married two years to a wonderful man but I never want the memories of my thirty-three years with Mike to be lost. Today I'm sorting many of the remnants of that life.  I have an old trunk that was my grandpa's.  I want my son to have it one day and I've started adding things to it that document that other life I also loved. Some are tangible items like Mike's Bible, and some are old golfing hats with logos that our son would remember his dad wearing.  Then there's the Real-estate papers to our first house that cost $15,000,(my grandkids may find that interesting one day) Mike diplomas, and the letters he wrote me when he was in college, just before we married.  One of them says "I just found out that my draft is #288 so I'll probably never be drafted."  Other letters talk of his job interviews with Citgo and Gulf.  At any rate, as I sort the fragments of 62 years of living, there are years of notes. I'd love to say they are organized and categorized but they're jotted here and there haphazardly--a scrap of paper here, scribbled in the cover of my bibles, pages torn from notebooks, whatever was handy to write on the minute I heard whatever.  You get the picture.  Many are quotes that I heard that impacted my life and some I still live by and have memorized.  Some come from books I've read and others via testimonies I heard.  No one will ever want to sort such a mess so I'll post some of my favorites.   It will make it easier for me when I want to read them too. : )

Note for writers:

All need the message we have within us.  Let's not take this message within to the grave...let's write.

Notes about Faith:

Faith is nothing but one small step of obedience after another.

Stay in faith because without Faith it is impossible to please God.

Faith comes from hearing and hearing from the Word.

Faith is based on our relationship with God not our performance for God.

Note about Obedience: "Obey one step at a time, then the next step will come into view.  God will not give us a blueprint of the future; He still insists that our walk be step by step in faith.  As we practice obedience, the Voice becomes clearer, the instructions more definite.  Perhaps it shouldn't surprise us that with guidance, as with anything else, we learn through practice." Catherine Marshall

Note about Forgiveness:

Forgive - to cease to feel resentment against.

             - to pardon

             AND renounce any form of retaliation

             Love by choice, not by circumstance or feeling

             Forgive daily those who have sinned against you

             Forgive yourself - let go of your past failures.

             Forgive God - sometimes we blame God for a situation

             Forgive your family, husband, sister, brother,

                     parents children, friend, etc.

                 Do a heart check.   DO YOU RESENT anyone?

                 FORGIVE THEM. Forgive them NOW.

Note on Contentment:  Realizing that God has already given me everything I need for my present happiness. I Timothy 6:8

Understanding that if I am not satisfied with what I have, I will never be satisfied with what I want.  Ecclesiastes 5:11

Knowing that the more I release earthly possessions, the more I can grasp Eternal treasures. 

II Corinthians 4:18

Note on Prayer: Do we want our prayers answered?   We must let go of ALL resentment, bitterness, grudges--no matter how justified we think they are--these wrong emotions will cut off our flow to God.

Note on Peace: Peace is an inner "knowing" that your actions are approved by God.  "Let the Peace(soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually)in your hearts(deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state) to which...you were called (to live).  Colossians 3:15 Amplified Bible

Problems are inevitable, but joy & peace are optional. They come when our mind is renewed in His Word and we become doers of the Word, not just hearers.

Note on Pride:  Taking God's glory for yourself

Note on Motherhood: A Mother's highest calling is to raise Godly children--pouring out your life sacrificially into a child that will grow up to serve God.

Notes on this life: "Although this world is full of suffering, it is full of the overcoming of it." Helen Keller
Do you wonder if God is finished with you yet?  Are you still breathing?  If so, He isn't finished!
Our actions are controlled by what we have on our minds.  IS my mind on Jesus and His Word?
God isn't looking for ability but our availability.  

You don't get to choose how or when you are going to die, but you do get to choose how you are going to live.

Notes on People:  It's not my job to see through people but to see people through.
Others will not care how much you know until that know how much you care.

Notes on Love: Preoccupation with another's needs

Notes on Grace:  God's grace keeps pace with whatever I face
Corrie ten Boon - "Daddy, how can I bare to go through persecution?"
 "Corrie," he said, "when do you get your ticket to ride the train?"
"As you get on the train."
"That's how God's grace is, when you need it, you get it."

AND TO THAT, I SAY AMEN!
PS  many more to come but that'll take more hours of sorting!

Lessons Learned Along The Way

1. Life is short. Nothing, nothing, nothing is forever: Embrace today & count your blessings.
2. Jesus Christ is the only One Who is the same today, tomorrow, and forever. He will never change and neither will His Word.
3. Life may not seem fair, but it is still good. Praise Him no matter what.
4. ‘Do the next thing’, no matter how simple that next step is.  You can do this!
5. Keep moving forward and choose to let go of the pain.
6. Your spiritual gifting will bring energy and joy - Learn what energizes you then use those gifts daily.
7. Grief should only be for a season, don’t get stuck.
8. Don’t let anyone push you to do something that doesn’t feel right in your heart....No Peace, don’t do it. It’s not right for you.
9. God loves you...PERIOD. He won’t love you less when you fail or more when you think you’ve done it right.
10. Painful things are stepping stones to growth and will make you better if you don’t allow them to make you bitter. He can use it all but only you can choose to give Him the broken pieces of your life.
11. BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING! Anxiety will rob you of your health, your joy, and ultimately your life.
12. You’re never too old to change and grow - Let the Holy Spirit direct your path out of pain and darkness. It's an attitude.

Death of a Wife - Life Alone

I never wanted to be a widow, not that anyone does, but when I began this journey twenty months ago, all I could feel was extreme pain and loss. I knew life as I had known it was over and it was.
I recalled how eagerly I had approached my wedding day almost thirty-three years before. Marriage was what I had dreamed of all of my life, and even though it came with many adjustments, I loved my role as Mike’s wife.
I thought of other dreams that were fulfilled during those precious years of marriage….the title of “Mom” was probably the most awesome, although becoming a grandma ranked up there, too!
Each one of those new assignments had come without instructions but eagerly I had searched for information that would equip me for each role. I had talked with others, read books, and investigated anything that would help me to be a better wife, mother, or grandmother.
Then abruptly, over night, I went from wife to widow – I didn’t recognize it then as a new role. I just saw it as an ending of my dreams.
Yet finally, after many months of grieving, I realized that I stood with a choice: I could learn to embrace this as a new assignment and expect God to bring forth glory, or I could remain a broken vessel. Then I prayed, “God, help me to see the hidden treasure in this darkness.”

What treasure have I found so far?
· As I have learned to embrace this path as one chosen for me by God, my “alone” time has become precious time with Him. Isaiah 54:5 says “your Maker is your husband!”
· As I have learned to look to Him, expecting Him to turn this pain into glory, I have seen His hand move in wonderful and unexpected ways. Jeremiah 29:11 reminds me that “His plans for me are for good and not for evil to give me a future and a hope.”
· As I have learned to count my blessings in the midst of the ambushes of grief, my pain has been eased. James 1:2-3 does say to “Count it all joy when you go through trials and tribulations.”
· As I have opened my heart to others who are hurting, I have seen II Corinthians 1:4 fulfilled…”who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God.”

Is this an assignment I would have chosen? No! But I am learning that there truly is treasure in the darkness. With His help, I will continue to search for it.
Isaiah 45:3 LT And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness--secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name

Songs That Help the Healing Process

I have always loved music. When I was a young woman and our daughter suffered brain damage, God used many songs to give me strength to endure the trial and even to bring healing to my weary heart. Some that come to mind are "Because He Lives" and "I Am a Promise" and several others sang by the Gaithers. In the loss of my husband, once again music has spoken to my heart and continues to be a salve of healing. Hopefully you can click on the link below and listen to "The Anchor Holds". I love the truth of this song! I pray you will too! I will include the words in case your computer set up does not allow you to listen.......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FL112E3NjqU

The Anchor Holds

Words and Music by Lawrence Chewning and Ray Boltz© 1994 - Word Music

I have journeyed through the long, dark night

Out on the open sea,

By faith alone, sight unknown,

And yet His eyes were watching me.
The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

Well, I have fallen on my knees,as I faced the raging sea,

But the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.
I've had visions and I've had dreams;

Well, I've even held them in my hands,

But I never knew those dreamscould slip right through

Like they were only grains of sand.
Oh, the Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

Well, I have fallen on my knees, as I faced the raging seas.

Oh, the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.
Now I have been young, but I am older now.

Oh, and there has been beauty these eyes have seen;

But it was in the night,when I faced the storms of my life.

Oh, that's where God proved His love to me.
The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

I have fallen, fallen down on my knees, as I faced the raging seas.

But the Anchor holds; Oh, in spite of the storm.
I said I've fallen, fallen down on my knees, as I faced the raging seas;

But the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.

Another group of songs have been by Jeremy Camp...

http://www.jeremycamp.com/tunes.html

click on this..then click on "Carried" and then "Will I Walk By Faith?"

You will only hear a snipet...if you have songs that have helped you, please share a comment with me that others may 'hear' also.

Jeremy Camps wife died of cancer only a few months after they married...I love most of his songs...clipped from his sitet..."'Will I walk by faith even when I cannot see?' It's about learning how to take the next step even when you don't understand what's happening in your life." Another song, 'Take My Life' "is a passionate, worshipful song. It's basically saying, Here I am Lord, take me completely, don't let me hold anything for myself." Jeremy's experiences have given him what he calls an "eternal perspective."

Also Mercy Me's "I Can Only Imagine" has ministered to me greatly and many of their songs..

"Held" by Natalie Grant has also spoken to my heart...so do allow God to minister to you through His people and the music He has given them.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FL112E3NjqU

I Miss the Little Things!

Written 18 months after my husband died

Sometimes I think it is the little things that I miss the most. It’s been 18 months now since my husband exchanged he cancer-ridden body for his new tent. I am happy for him…. as I sing praises on Sunday mornings, I can see in my minds eye him standing strong and whole in the presence of the King. I can just see him in a sea of Believers with a huge smile on his face. That is such a comfort to me…but how I miss all the little things. I miss his presence on the cold winter nights as I crawl into bed…. he always said, “don’t stick those size nines to me”….then he would laugh and shudder as I stuck my cold feet to his legs (they weren't size nines either!) I miss the toilet seat being left up. I used to gripe at him for leaving it up because if I got up in the night, I'd fall in!. What I'd give to have that toilet seat left up one more time. I miss his arm around my shoulders as we sat in church together and his off key singing. I miss having him come in and take the lid off whatever I had cooking on the stove and then after he gave it his taste test, telling me what seasoning it needed. I miss his laugh, it was infectious. I miss the sound of him shuffling down the tiled hallway barefooted. I miss his telephone calls….they were never lengthy, just fairly often during the day. I miss sharing the joy of the grandbabies exploits and the pride in seeing our son succeed. I miss taking a walk together in the cool of the day. I miss being able to confide in him my hurts and my concerns and having him do the same with me. I miss making decisions together and rolling stuff off of him for his opinion. I just miss him. But as I contemplate how much I miss him, I can also say once again how thankful I am that I was loved by a Godly man and able to walk beside him for almost 33 years. I truly do miss all the little things!

Anniversary of His Homegoing

It is five years today since my husband of 33 years went Home.  I still miss him everyday.  I made some huge mistakes along the way but I have survived with God's help.   AND finally I am learning to be "content in my present circumstances!" I am learning who I am and to press forward. 

Lately, I have been working a lot on scrapbooking and until recently, I still cried when I looked at the pictures. Now, I have sweet memories.  What a relief that even that pain has subsided. Then it took me five years to even sort the contents of my husband's desk, but I have it done now.   I know many people move through their grief more quickly and I wish I had been one of those.  I can only 'suppose' why my journey was so long...Perhaps it was because I never had a career and for most of my life, I was a caregiver to our handicapped daughter and my life was built around caregiving and my marriage.  So was my idenity.  It has taken time for me to embrace this place of singleness and see it as a gift, though not a chosen or wanted gift.  It's a new season and a new life.   The old season was sweet and I loved it but I can't stay there and must allow myself to move forward.  So I am diving into this new life!  

The Realization of the Magnitude of the Loss

I am three and one half years down this road called widowhood and the pain and grief of the loss of my mate is still very overwhelming to my heart. On the day my husband took his last breath, life as I knew it ended. I realized that at the time but the magnitude of the loss would take a few years to sink in. Holidays would never be the same, relationships with others would be forever changed, as so many aspects of the life we shared were gone in an instant. I moved from married to single, from feeling loved to feeling alone, from a household of two to that of one, from a strong twosome to a lonely onesome, from grandma and grandpa with two sets of hands, and overnight, I became the sole decision maker. Since I hadn't had a career, I'd been one of those women who'd built their life around their husband's schedule. What I cooked, how I spent my evenings, my time, everything  revolved around him & his schedule. With his death, I faced learning a whole new language, whether financial lingo, house repairs, car repairs, etc or even what TV shows to watch (Men always hold the remote, don't they??)...I learned the buck stopped with me.

As a young woman, I had married early in life, leaving my parent's home to take on the new role of bride. I cherished that role and never desired anything but to be the best wife, mother, and helpmate that I could be. Now suddenly at age 52, over night after 13 months of watching the love of my life die, I knew half of me died as well and I knew that only God could make me whole again. Even so, it would take me a long time to learn to walk in that wholeness. But, I knew I must find those other single ladies out there who were also dealing with weekends and lawns and loneliness. I knew they were out there, I just hadn't known any very well before I became one. I also knew I had to learn how to let Him be my healer and my completer. I am still working on that!

Things I have learned along the way: There is nothing as lonely as the weekend....except holidays or birthdays. Somehow I managed the week fairly well, but when Friday hit, I knew the phone stopped ringing and the e-mail went silent. My married friends and family were busy with their families, as they should be., may I add...as I once was.  I had to learn to get a new plan. It took time but it gradually happened. In the midst of all of this, I knew that I had so much to be thankful for but in my pain, many times it was easier to focus on the pain and loss than to count my blessings. Once again, I knew that from the beginning and even wrote about it but during the course of grief, my thoughts have at times become pretty self focused. I guess it is much like smashing a toe, when the pain is severe, it's hard not to focus on that throbbing appendage. My cry was"but Lord, what about me? I hurt! I hurt! I am so lonely! I know You are there, but Lord, I am lonely and I miss Mike and our life!" I knew I had to learn to speak His Words back to him and say, "I hurt but You, My King, are more than enough. Lord, You have said that You will never leave or forsake me and I must rest there! You have allowed this to occur; help me now to allow you to do a mighty work in me."  And I did learn to do that but it took time in the process of grief.

And He continued to be faithful to me in the midst of my pity parties and grief.  One day, I talked on the phone with a new acquaintance who was also a widow, but a bit further down the road than me. As she shared, she said that all four of her children lived quite a distance away. Her husband had always driven as they made the trek to visit them. I loved how she put it..."you know, that baby sugar is so important,"so after her husband's death, she made the choice to strike out through the metro-plex of Dallas to see those grandchildren. She further shared that she views everything in her life as a training ground with the Lord and driving through areas that she would not have attempted before has been a step of faith for her.... she made the choice to pray, trust Him, and go for the whatever!.  I loved her attitude and knew that I wanted to be like her. More than that, I felt the Lord wanted me to be that way too! I believe He desires for all of us to face the challenges that come our way....embrace them, focus on Him, and go forth in our journey with an expectant heart.

So in this ever changing journey of faith, today I ask You, Lord, to help me be more like my new acquaintance and grasp more tightly to Your hand and walk forward with You, seeing once again that the title Widow is something You ordained as a part of Your training for me. Help me to not fail nor grow weary. Help my focus to stay on You and Your mighty power as my provider and comforter. May I truly know You as My Great I AM who 'am' more than enough for me! And Father, thank you for phone calls that come right when I need them the most. Thank you, my new brave friend!

Thoughts and More Thoughts!

It is July of 2006 and the year has brought with it a continual saga of change. On February 17, which incidentally was my mom's 92nd birthday, my sweet daughter Jan died. It was an icy, snowy evening much like when Jan was born....one moment she was breathing and the next she entered Eternity. Later I would ask the Lord about Jan dying on my mom's birthday. Jan had been on Hospice for 4 years....it seemed no coincidence that her Homegoing would occur on that date......as I turned my eyes toward Him, He seemed to say to me, "your mom has prayed for Jan more than any other person throughout Jan's life...I chose to answer your mom's prayers on her birthday and give Jan the gift of healing." That brought me peace, and I was also able to share that with my mom.

May rolled around and it seemed it wasn't until then that the loss of Jan really sank in. I remember one day really realizing that Jan was gone. I had carried her close to my heart for her whole life and felt a strong responsibility all of her twenty-eight years. The realization that she was gone, and that I was no longer her caregiver brought with it another identity crisis for me. I remember thinking then "I just don't think I can take any more changes, Lord." At that time I was engaged and the thought of marriage even seemed more than I could possibly bear. It represented more major adjustments and challenges that I was just not emotionally ready for. More grief to face and news that would inflict pain on a gentleman's life that I really cared for. "Help Lord!" Then in the midst of all of this, I knew my mom's health was declining. I remember thinking, "Lord, I am certainly not ready to deal with the loss of my mom!" She and I were very close even though she lived in Mississippi..I would talk to her at least two to three times a day...on the morning of June 8th when I called to check on what kind of night she had, from what she described, I knew she had had a stroke. Oh my! Immediately I tried to get a flight to Mississippi....failing to find one, my son told me he would drive me the 12 hours and then he would catch a flight back to Oklahoma the next day. Today, July 28th finds me returning from Mississippi having spent a month there helping take care of my mom. She had still lived on her own but the stroke took her independence and a nursing home seemed the next step....a step that she chose, a step that brought grief to us kids.

At this point, I am numb yet in the midst God has given me the strength to continue by taking it one day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other. I must keep taking one day at a time and "do the next thing" that He puts in my path.

Jan's obit from February follows -"We find comfort today because Janice Marie , age 28, is at Home with the Lord. Entering this world at 12:54 p.m on January 1, 1978, Jan was Oklahoma City's New Years baby. On Feb. 17, 2006 Jesus called out to Jan 'let My little child come to Me' and she ran to Him with outstretched arms calling 'Daddy, Daddy, I'm finally home!' Jan, daughter of Pam & the late Mike, was born with a congenital heart defect that was discovered when she was 8 days old. Complications during surgery left Jan permanently brain damaged, but God used her life mightily to teach us many lessons. Jan's beautiful smile and fun loving spirit have been a delight to all who knew her and many lives have been changed by her life and her story. Not only did Jan find delight in people, but she was also delighted in listening to Children's Christian music. Her Christian tapes which normally could be found playing 24 hours a day. Jan is survived by her mom, Pam, her brother Ben, Ben's wife Stephanie, and their three sons, Jack, Will, and Sam. A very special thanks to all of the care-givers that have shared in Jan's life. Special thanks go to Bradford Village and Vista Care Hospice. Funeral services will be held at 2:00 p.m. Monday, Feb. 20, 2006."

The Many Facets of Grief

I am now two and one half years down the road in this journey of grief. Thinking back to those first months after Mike died, I remember how difficult they were. Never had my heart been so broken or so sad...never had my life been so turned upside down. I knew God still had a plan for me but in the midst of the brokenness, I wondered if I would ever be whole again. After all, Mike and I had become one flesh and at his death, it felt as if half of me had died. BUT the scripture declares He is our Restorer, our Comforter, and our Sustainer, and even more than that, He is the Husband to the husbandless. I knew that was truth even when I did not feel it. I had to walk on by faith and trust that the feeling would some day follow.

I learned that I had to walk through a long tunnel of grief to ever come out on the other side and live again, and I learned that I had to choose to walk even when every part of my being said it couldn't go on. Many days I took more steps backwards than forward and some days I just wanted to cease to be and go be with the Lord, but I knew I must continue forward even when it was an act of faith, and I must embrace my many God-given blessings.

There were so many difficult things to deal with besides the material goods left from 33 years of living as one. Three months after Mike died, I remember wondering if I was supposed to take my wedding rings off. I hadn't even thought of it before. Then I started to attend a Sunday School class made up of women who were widows, marrieds, and singles. I found myself looking at women's left hands to attempt to find the other widows in the class....then looking at my own...I realized that I still appeared to be married. Thinking about it, I realized that those precious rings were slipped on my finger by Mike with the vows of...till death do us part'.. and now for me it was time to take off the rings. I moved them first to my right hand and for weeks they went back and forth from left to right...and then my precious daughter-in-law went with me to purchase a new ring to wear on my left hand. Finally I was able to put up my rings. Death had indeed parted us...and gradually I would learn to live in my new identity and new role.

It took me over a year to have new checks printed that didn't bear Mike's name. Why was that was so hard?   I think there was comfort in still seeing 'Mike or Pam' when I opened my check book. Finally I made the decision to order new checks, but I cried for quite awhile when they arrived, and then I slipped in the new ones that bore only my name. Seeing only my name on those checks made me feel so alone and I missed Mike all the more!

Among one of the other hard things for me to face was doing the taxes! Mike died in August so it was about 6 months before that had to be tackled. We had an accountant, and I had helped get things together each year but this first year after his death, I had to piece back together all of the medical expenses. It was like reliving each surgery and each hospitalization. I remember laying in the floor and weeping and weeping. I could never have imagined beforehand that this would be so difficult but it was.

Then today, 21/2 years after Mike's death I found myself standing by another hospital bed and my heart breaking once again. Our daughter, Jan, suffered brain damage at 8 days of age and has never walked or talked. We cared for her at home until she was almost 17. She is now 28. She is much like a new born. She was placed on Hospice before Mike was ever diagnosed with cancer. Today Hospice called to tell me that she is declining rather rapidly. I had not visited her in a few days due because I had an upper respiratory infection. As I stood beside Jan, her CD of music was playing as it always does...her greatest love has always been little kids tapes. Today as I stood there, a CD that Mike and I bought for her was playing. Jan's breathing was labored and she was asleep. Her lips were bluish in color and her temperature was 102. As she breathed in and out and I suctioned her repeatedly as the fluids caused her to choke, a song came on that Mike and I had listened to many times and sang to her....it was about mom and dads....how they love their children...it was a very pleasant upbeat song but the pain of hearing it minus Mike in the circumstances I was now facing, almost threw me to my knees. I stood over her crying out loud...trying to control my emotions but unable to at the moment. I felt small in the scheme of things and once again, I felt very alone. I grieved for Mike, and I grieved for Jan. I began to pray and ask God to intervene and heal Jan. I knew when God did call her home, not only would all of Heaven welcome her, but she'd walk and talk for the first time, and see her daddy. I took joy in those thoughts knowing that soon they will be a reality. Until  then, I knew I must keep my eyes focused on Him and look upward and trust once again that when I can't trace His hand, I can ALWAYS trust His heart. Lord Jesus, heal my heart and heal Jan's. Give me strength and give me courage. Help me to walk this path in victory claiming Your promises and seeing beyond the pain in this life to Eternity!

Note: On February 17, 2006 Jan was healed! She took one breath here and the next in Eternity. She truly was a blessing from God.

First Christmas in Heaven

In March of 2001 my only sister died of Melanoma. Christmas of 2001 and 2002 my sister's daughter and husband traveled from their home in Alabama to spend the holiday with us. My mom was able to come from MS and as a family we grieved together the loss of my sister. By Christmas of 2002, my husband had been diagnosed with Melanoma but we just could not allow ourselves to even think that he would lose his battle too. But Christmas of 2003 found me grieving his loss. It was almost inconceivable to me that both my sister and my husband were gone. The thought of Christmas without my husband made me almost ill. Then as it approached, it soon came into focus that none of my family was able to come for the holidays. My mom's health was too fragile for her to make the trip and my neice could not come either. My son and his wife had her family as well as me to split their time with, and it became apparent to me on about December 17 that I would be alone much of Christmas Eve. It was almost more than I could bear....and yet during that time God spoke to my heart and I knew that He would be my sustainer, and I would be okay. During this time someone shared the following poem...it brought me much strength as I faced my first Christmas without Mike. May it bring you strength as well and may God hold you close.

First Christmas in Heaven

by Wanda Bencke

I see the countless Christmas Trees

Around the world below

With tiny lights

Like heaven's stars

Reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear

For I am spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs

That people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare

With the Christmas choir up here

I have no words to tell you

The joy their voices bring

For it is beyond description

To hear the angels sing

I know how much you miss me

I see the pain inside your heart

But I am not so far away

We really aren't apart

So be happy for me dear ones

You know I hold you dear

And be glad I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year

I send you each a special gift

From my heavenly home above

I send you each a memory ofMy undying love

After all "love" is the gift

More precious than pure gold

It was always most important

In the stories Jesus told

Please love and keep each other

As my Father said to do

For I can't count the blessing

Or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas

And wipe away that tear

Remember I am spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.
A note from the author "Wanda Bencke"Lysandra Kay Bencke was my thirteen year old handicapped daughter.On Christmas day 1997, Lysandra had a seizure and was in a coma for five days before she passed away.During those five days I wrote"Christmas in Heaven".

Some Times There Is No More!

"One day someone's spouse died and on that clear, cold morning in the warmth of their bedroom the remaining spouse was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat and no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, or say "I love you.." So while we have it . . it's best we love it . . . and care for it . . . and fix it when it's broken . . . and heal it when it's sick. This is true . . . for marriage . . . and old cars . . . and children with bad report cards . . . and dogs with bad hips and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it." Author Unknown

Today, over two years after my husband's death, I contemplate the words above. How true they are. Life is about change and nothing is forever, yet often we take so many things for granted. I hold my newest grandbaby who is two months old, and glance over at the first born grandson who is already five years old, and realize that these precious moments are precious but so fleeting. Will I cherish these moments as I should? Will I remember to rejoice in each new day because I've learned first hand that "Sometimes there is no more!"

Lord help me to cherish my health, my family, the life I once had with Mike, and the life I have now.  Help me to embrace these new lessons that I am learning as I walk this path called widowhood and please use the lessons as a lifeline to someone now walking in this place called "when there is no more!"  Lord, help us all to remember when every single thing changes, You remain the same. Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Thank you, LORD!!

Another Sunday Alone

Another Sunday church service ended.  I walked to my car, and drove toward a drive-thru, wanting to get the lunch thing behind me. Why did Sundays seem so hard? Then I allowed memories of past years to float through my mind.

Growing up on a farm in Southern Mississippi, Saturday was a preparation day for Sunday. We mopped the floors, dusted the furniture, and made certain our clothes were ready for Sunday. We shined our shoes and cooked at least a part of the meal that we'd share together after Sunday's services. Even my thoughts, made me recall how incredilble Mother's fried chicken tasted and what wonderful meals we shared.

Then when I married at age 19, the day was once again a family affair...first my husband and I spent it together and then as our children came along, the tradition of the big family meal continued. Many Sunday's we would  invite friends home from church to eat with us.

The years flew by and our kids grew up, and we became empty nesters. We started a new tradition...each Sunday after church we went out to eat..sometimes with friends and sometimes just the two of us but once again it was a time to enjoy and share together.

July of 2002 brought a new twist to our lives. My husband of 32 years was diagnosed with Melanoma and one Sunday in July of 2003, we shared our last Sunday meal together...and by August of 2003, my sweet husband was gone.

Now  I was trying to learn to live this new life as a widow. As I waited in the drive-thru line, I saw couples strolling into the restaurant holding hands. I struggled to fight back the tears, knowing that had been me not so many months before. I wanted to let down the window and say "Do you know how blessed you are? Do you know how  precious this time is? Do you know that everything is just for a season? Please, please cherish each other and these moments!"

Yes, my journey was taking me through a new season of life, and I didn't like it. But I knew many had walked this path before me, and they had survived.  I would, too, with God's help and one day I'd find a new norm. Until then, I would keep putting one foot in front of the other and thanking God for what I once had!! I'd been blessed...thank you, Lord, for all the Sunday's that were filled with joy and fellowship. Help me to recognize Your new blessings as they come and to live with a thankful and expectant heart.
By Pam Whitley

In Pieces

My two precious grandsons sit on the quilt
that I made for my son for Christmas of 2003!

It would be my first Christmas without my beloved husband of thirty-two years. I found myself in a store buying flowers for his new tombstone as I watched others buying decorations for their Christmas trees. I found myself sorting through the remnants of his life as others prepared for family get-togethers. I knew I must find something constructive to do in the midst of all the pain.
Walking into our closet, memories flooded my soul as I saw five of my husband Mike’s favorite shirts. When our son, Ben, was in college in the early 90’s, the big flannel shirt became the fashion craze. I purchased two or three of those heavy ‘big shirts’(as they were called) for Christmas for Ben and every time he came home for the weekend, Mike would raid his closet and come out wearing one of those shirts. It became a joke. For the next few years, I bought Ben and Mike identical flannel shirts for Christmas. Ten years later, those shirts had continued to be Mike’s favorites. In fact, as he started chemo and felt chilled much of the time, he lived in those shirts.
Taking the shirts off their hangers, I laid them in a corner of my sewing room. I knew I must do something very special with them but it took a few days to get the courage to cut into the shirts. Perhaps dismantling them bore too much of a parallel to what had happened to our lives.
I found I could get several 8-inch wide strips from the front and the backs of the shirts as well as from the sleeves. Then I cut those strips into as many squares as I could, and soon I was sewing the squares back together and a quilt began to emerge.
As friends looked at my work in progress, they commented on what great choices I had made for my color combinations. Actually, I had not chosen them. They were just all of his shirts, and together they formed a beautiful color palette.
It seemed impossible to finish my project by Christmas, but I was determined. For
such a sad Christmas, there just had to be something special to give Ben, and I knew this was it. I asked God to give me the strength to complete my project and day-by-day the quilt grew larger. I sewed the labels of the shirts in some of the squares and deliberately cut strips with
pockets so that it would always be evident that the quilt was made from shirts. To finish off the project, I bordered the quilt in navy and then I machine quilted the whole
thing in a free hand motion style. I was able at times to turn my free hand motion
movements into words.
Within the quilt I wrote Whitley, 2003, Mike, Pam, Ben, Steph, Jack, and Will. I wanted this quilt to be a treasure for the generations to come. I could envision one day our grandsons searching the borders for the names woven into the design and Ben sharing fondly the memories of his dad and the shirts
On Christmas, as our son opened his gift, tears welled up in his eyes and the look on his face and the hug I received was salve to my hurting heart and I knew God was at work using the shattered pieces of our lives to bring forth treasure in the darkness.
by Pam Whitley

The Diagnosis That Changed Our Lives

Written One Year After Mike's Death - by Pam
I can say that I honestly never thought about the possibility of becoming a widow…. most women probably don’t …..at least not when ones spouse is healthy and fairly young. Perhaps we are just too busy living to think of the possibility of such a thing. But one evening after my husband played golf, he showered and noticed a knot under his right arm. It hadn't been there the evening before. A few doctors appointments later and one surgery, on July 5, 2002, our doctor called  with devastating news. As my husband and I both listened on the phone,  Dr. Deck said, “I am so sorry to tell you this but lab reports on the tissue show it to be Malignant Melanoma.”

We both gasped in disbelief. After all, we had already fought Melanoma and knew it was the deadliest form of skin cancer. Only 15 months before, I'd taken care of my sister the last week of her life as she lost her battle to this deadly disease. To make matters worse, we knew that in my sister’s case, the Melanoma went to the brain. I can remember my husband and I both standing totally stunned as we received the diagnosis. We hung up the phone and just held each other and sobbed, knowing that life as we'd known it was over and our world would never be the same. We called our son and told him that we needed to talk to him. We couldn’t deliver such news over the phone. Driving over to his house, we rode in shocked silence. Arriving, we sat down and broke the news as gently as we could. I remember us circling Mike and praying over him and asking God to sustain us.

As the days went by, I thought that I couldn't bare this diagnosis. I had flash backs of my sister’s death, of her fever going to 106, of meeting her at MD Anderson on Christmas day of 2000, of how sick she became and how fast the cancer spread.

“Oh Lord,” I cried, “I can’t bare this! Please, Lord, I can’t!” And my constant prayer became, “Heal Mike! Show me, Lord, what I can do!” And thus began my constant research of Melanoma online. I attacked the news just as I had the news 24 years earlier when our daughter had suffered brain damage. I thought I could make her well if I believed hard enough, fought hard enough, found the right combination of vitamins and once again, I veered into that path of the “fix it lady,” this time as a wife instead of a mom. I researched night and day. I juiced veggies, I bought supplements, I wouldn't let this cancer take my beloved Mike. But as hard as we fought, there came the day that we found the Melanoma had gone to the brain and the treatments were not working nor our radical efforts…. we had to face the fact that this disease was probably going to end in death. AND thank God, Mike knew Whom He believed in and began to look toward Home with courage and Peace.
I, on the other hand, thought I couldn't face losing Mike. I thought I couldn't go on if I was left alone. I thought I'd die too and a part of me did die that August day as Mike breathed his last breath. Yet in my heart, I knew I had to go on and that God’s Grace would be sufficient. I learned to ‘gut it up’ as Mike used to tell our son. I made myself walk where I didn’t want to walk. 

One of my hardest things was going to church alone. That was something Mike and I always did together….I hated going into the midst of couples and feeling Mike’s absence so keenly. Each Sunday as I drove into the church parking lot, a new wave of grief would almost take my breath away. But I knew if I was ever to be whole again, I had to face the pain and walk through it. 

I'm still facing the pain and walking through it one day at a time. It'll soon be a year since I hugged my precious Mike good-bye ….and I can say, I've made it.
Has it been hard? You bet, it's been awful….yet in the pain, I've grown. I'm stronger and I know one day I'll be able to breathe-in without the gnawing hole that is still in my heart. I know that God is going to bring me through this trial and that He, in His Grace, is equipping me to help others that'll walk here. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, with my eyes focused on Him. He's able to do abundantly above that which I'm able to imagine. I'll choose to continue to trust an all knowing God with an unknown future as I daily cry out to Him to sustain me.  I'll trust Him to do that which He has promised…to carry me when I can’t walk, to make the crooked way straight before me, and to sustain me with His power when the night is long. I'll believe that the best is yet to be…and one day I will look into my Father’s eyes, and I'll  walk those streets of gold, and  see Mike again! Yes, I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other until I, too, finish my course and arrive Home!