God of This City

I moved from OKC after living in the area since my early twenties.  It was huge to leave my friends and start over in a new church.  A few Sunday's after I'd gotten here, I sat in my kids church wondering how long it would take me to settle in to a new life, new city, new church...etc.  I questioned if God could use me here.  As I sat in the service, they sang a song called "God of This City."   As the words pierced my heart, the tears flowed.   I tried to look very inconspicuous as the floodgate of emotion splashed down my face onto my Bible.  God's presence was sweet and His encouragement strong.  He wasn't through with me yet.
    Today, a few months later, I sat in my new church.  The music minister told the story of the writing of "God of this City."  Again, I was blessed even more.  I came home and researched and found a link to the story on UTUBE.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXh_tgjnYJw  You'll be blessed to if you watch this story and then be sure to listen to it.   Chris Tomlin has recorded it.  Thank you, Lord, for Your Mercy and Love.  Thank you for Your faithfulness.

Life Is Short

The Bible says that life is but a vapor and that's the truth.  As a young girl, it seemed that this life was it. Death and the end of this life seemed out there so far that I didn't even think about it.  Now I know that on a time line that extends to Eternity(no end), our days on earth can barely be seen when compared to how much life we have in Eternity----Eternity is forever and forever.  Yet, what decisions we make in this brief life about Who Jesus is effects our whole Eternity.  God paid a huge price to redeem us. Our part is to believe in Him, accept what He did for us, and walk in the freedom He brings us.  In this short life, that choice will effect our destiny for Eternity and the destiny of possibly thousands.  He chose me and I've answered, "Yes."  He chose you too before the foundation of the world. Have you called on His name to forgive you of your sins and be your God?  He loves you and died for you, too.  Say "yes." to Him, if you haven't already.

Lessons Learned Along The Way

1. Life is short. Nothing is forever so embrace today.
2. Jesus Christ is the only One Who is the same today, tomorrow, and forever. He will never change and neither will His Word.
3. Life may not seem fair, but it is still good. Praise Him no matter what.
4. ‘Do the next thing’, no matter how simple that next step is.
5. Keep moving forward and choose to let go of the pain of the past.
6. Your spiritual gifting will bring energy and joy - Learn what energizes you then use those gifts daily.
7. Grief should only be for a season, don’t get stuck.
8. Don’t let anyone push you to do something that doesn’t feel right in your heart....No Peace, don’t do it. It’s not right for you.
9. God loves you...PERIOD. He won’t love you less when you fail or more when you think you’ve done it right.
10. Painful things are stepping stones to growth and will make you better if you don’t allow them to make you bitter. He can use it all but you must give Him the broken pieces of your life.
11. BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING! Anxiety will rob you of your health, your joy, and ultimately your life.
12. You’re never too old to change and grow - Let the Holy Spirit direct your path out of pain and darkness. It's an attitude.

Unbelief Unveiled

Colossians 2:13-15 (The Message)

 ^11-15Entering into this fullness is not something you figure out or achieve. It's not a matter of being circumcised or keeping a long list of laws. No, you're already in—insiders—not through some secretive initiation rite but rather through what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin. If it's an initiation ritual you're after, you've already been through it by submitting to baptism. Going under the water was a burial of your old life; coming up out of it was a resurrection, God raising you from the dead as he did Christ. When you were stuck in your old sin-dead life, you were incapable of responding to God. God brought you alive—right along with Christ! Think of it! All sins forgiven, the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ's cross. He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross and marched them naked through the streets.

Stronghold of Unbelief

The enemy of my soul crafted many strongholds for me to be snared by in my fifty-some years.  One that I'm just recognizing is the stronghold of unbelief.   I've lived in self condemnation over past mistakes most of my life.  Ex. I wasn't patient enough with my son when he was growing up. I spanked him far too much.  I failed in numerous areas as a wife. I made mistakes as a widow that I wish I could undo.  Hind site is excellent. Oh yes, I see a multitude of areas that I wish I'd done differenly or that I'm ashamed of.  BUT I'm realizing that I'm walking in unbelief by not trusting God's Word and nailing those things permanently to the cross and leaving them there.  My self-condemnation doesn't honor God, it only holds me captive.  God promised to forgive me of my sins if I repented.  He's not the one keeping the record, I'm the one, with some help from the enemy of my soul. The great deceiver reminds me of my failures and I've bought his propaganda for years.  Praise God, that He has forgiven me and all that garbage that has entered my life through the years, He's cleaned out and thrown it as far as the East is from the West.  I'm the one that keeps opening up the trash can of my soul and examining it and looking at the stinky layers. He's the one that's saying, "MY child, don't you know I forgave you at Calvary?  Don't you know I knew you'd fail?  Don't you know I want to work all that trash to your good? Sweet child, leave it at the cross and watch me use it as compost to grow something new and beautiful.  I can't do that as long as you keep dredging it up and pulling it out of the compost heap to lament over how it reeks of failure.  Let it go!  Let me use it.  Take a deep breath and Praise Me for it and for what I did on the Cross.  Don't focus on your mistakes. Focus on Me and My redemption.  Focus on my Victory. I CAME TO SET YOU FREE.  Walk in it! Embrace it and bathe in my Peace. BELIEVE ME!!!  Believe my Word. TRUST ME!  REST IN ME!"

Easter Hug From God

On Tuesday, April 14th, I'll move to Owasso, OK.  I have almost everything I own packed in boxes and in the process, I've sorted through it all, trying to decide what to get rid of and what to keep. 

Yesterday, I found an old cardboard file box in the garage that had very little in it. I started to just toss it but decided I'd better sort through it.  In one file labeled 'writings' I found a yellowed five page story that had been typed on a type writer.  It was entitled "God Gave the Song." There was no author's name but I"d kept the story years ago for some reason.  I took a break from my work, sat down on the concrete steps, and started to read it.  By the second page, I knew it was a resurrection story and a good one.  By the last page, tears splashed down my cheeks as I read of the Resurrection Day and saw the authors signature at the end.  It was signed and dated: Lynda Ann Basye,  March 30, 1983.  

 Lynda, my only sister, died March 24, 2001.  I had chills as I thought of the odds that I'd find her story, let alone find it on Easter weekend.  I couldn't wait to scan a copy to her daughter....my niece.  It would be equally as special for her.  She would have been only six when my sister wrote it so I doubted that she's seen it.  It confirmed to me how important writing is.  Eight years after my sister's death, her writing written twenty-six years earlier, blessed me mightily.  

The Journey Through Grief

My loss came after watching my husband suffer through surgery and chemo.  For others, the loss was sudden. Not getting to say good-bye isn't easy but neither is saying good-bye gradually as you watch your loved one suffer.  Some people like to compare grief and say mine is harder because....I prefer to say they're all hard.

Grief Brings Ambushes  Ambush - make a surprise attack on someone from a concealed position...Websters  As a new widow, I learned quickly that routine things brought unexpected waves of grief. I remember walking into a business and a song that Mike and I both loved was playing. I quietly slipped out the door to cry. The first time I bought groceries, it was a routine trip until I reached for Mike’s favorite snack and realized that I no longer needed to buy it. I left the store crying. Buying groceries, cooking a meal, watching TV, waking up, going to bed, driving down the street, eating a meal, listening to the radio were all riddled with ambushes.  I don’t remember when I named these ambushes but identifying them helped me learn to say, “Okay, that’s a grief ambush. I’m not going crazy.” I’d let the tears flow and accept they were part of walking through the valley of grief. Dear one, know that ambushes will be a part of your life for quite some time to come, but they will gradually lessen and won’t be as overwhelming. Take comfort in this promise, Psalm 56:8 (NLT) You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Grief Paralyzes 

Paralyze - render(someone) unable to think or act normally  Websters

    Following Mike’s death,many business things had to be taken care of..marriage certificate had to be found, death certificates had to be filed, and the estate had to be probated,etc. That was difficult but I muddled through. It was the everyday things that I struggled with the most..like living. I’d forget to eat. I also couldn’t concentrate enough to read or sew. One thing that helped was when someone sent me a poem that had helped Elizabeth Elliot survive an unbearable loss. She and her husband, Jim, had been overseas for only a short time when Jim and four other young missionaries were murdered. Elizabeth was in a foreign country with a new baby. Some one gave her the poem and in the midst of her anguish, one line stood out to her. It said simply, Do the next thing. She asked herself, What is the next thing I need to do? In her case, it was change her baby. I found myself asking this question of myself daily, sometimes several times within the hour.  For me at times when I asked myself that question, the answer was as simple as, Pam, you need to eat, or you need to pay the electric bill. So if you find yourself having trouble functioning, try asking that question of yourself. What is the next thing I need to do? God will show you. Psalms 34:18 NIV The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Grief can bring a feeling of desperation.

The loss of Mike left so many gaps in my life that at times I felt desperate.  It was an awful feeling that I didn't understand. I shared that feeling with a married friend who told me that I had nothing to feel desperate about.  Again, I wondered what was wrong with me.  They were right. I was blessed to have Mike for so many years and to be loved by such a wonderful man. I knew that.  I was taken care of financially and I knew that was huge. But I was struggling to come to grips with being suddenly single and the feeling was overwhelming. I now know it was a normal feeling.  It slowly passed. Probably only another widow or widower can understand that feeling but be assured the LORD understands and says in Psalm 62:8 NAS Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

Everyone grieves differently

You will find even among family and close friends, everyone handles grief differently.  Some go through anger, some go through depression, some go through guilt....the important thing is to recognize there are many emotions of grief. Learn to face them and work through them. My major emotion was extreme sadness. It was the first time in my life my heart had truly felt broken. I had suffered many other losses prior to losing my Mike, but nothing prepared me for the extreme hurt of this loss. Much of my identity was tied into being Mike's wife. The thing I found most helpful for me was to attend Grief Share classes. I didn’t want to go somewhere where people shared sob stories...I was hurting to badly for that...but I did want to connect with others that were grieving.  I also wanted  to understand my journey as much as I could...Grief Share afforded me both. We shared as a group and the video’s gave us hope and insight into healing.  Go to www.griefshare.org and type in your zip code and find out if there’s a group meeting in your area. You can also subscribe to a daily online devotional from their site. I did that and those devotions blessed me for a year.

Grief truly is a journey that cannot be rushed.

Others may attempt to rush you in your grief, thinking you should be over it within a few months. You will never be totally over it because you’ve been changed forever.  Thankfully though, the huge hole in your heart will gradually mend and the extreme sadness will go away. Your precious memories will become a reservoir of treasure and a salve for your hurt. One day that hurt will be a means to reach out to others. In the meantime, continue choosing day by day to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking forward. AND don’t be discouraged when you’re ambushed and make no progress for a few days. That’s okay; this, too, is a part of the grieving process. Be gentle with yourself but determine to work through the ambush and move forward again. II Corinthians 1:3-4 NAS Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Grief is Exhausting.

Don’t be surprised if you find yourself so exhausted that you think something is wrong. Personally, I still take B-12 shots every other week and take extra vitamins. Since I’m alone, I’m not eating as well as I should. I’m working on that. Also, if your mate was sick for quite awhile, you’ve probably neglected yourself. Please get a good checkup and try to take care of yourself. Psalm 38:17 (The Message) I’m on the edge of losing it-- the pain in my gut keeps burning. Psalms 31:9 NIV Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress: my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.

Take Care of yourself I found in the first year, I functioned better if I kept things planned that I could look forward to. It could be as simple as lunch with a friend, or taking my grandchildren to McDonalds, but it helped. I find, even now, almost two years later, I still function better to live that way as I learn this new life. I’ve traveled somewhere almost every month. For me that has helped in the adjustments and loneliness of the walk. Isaiah 41:10 NLT Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

There is Life after loss

When I entered this valley, it was like walking through a long tunnel hoping that I”d come out on the other side.  Deep down I wondered if I’d ever feel whole again and be content without Mike. Today, I can say I’m finally content and embrace my new life.  You’ll get there too. God hasn’t left us in this valley of despair without hope. He does provide the means necessary to cope with grief and to come through that tunnel and be whole again. 

Matthew 5:4 NIV Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV For I know the plans I have for you. plans to give you a hope and a future. (I clung to this, that God still had a plan for me even though it felt my life was over!)

The Journey of Grief Continues!

Written in 2004

There was an older widow who wanted to encourage me after my husband died.  She met with me shortly after I became a widow. 

"Honey,"she said, I hate to tell you this but the second year of loss is the worst because you are rather numb throughout the first year! Then reality really sets in the second year." I was overwhelmed to think that things could get worse. I met with her again after my husband had been gone a year.

 "Honey, I hate to tell you this, but the third year is actually the worst!" 

And I knew right then that I did not intend for my journey to be that way. I asked God to show me how to embrace my sorrow and grow from it and be whole again. These are some things I learned:

1. Know that there is a normal process of grieving that you must go through but God doesn't intend for you to live there from now on, just for a season.
2. Know that God can help you to make those choices that lead you to heal but you also must be willing to believe that is His desire for you.
3. Know that if you determine that the great hurt you feel ultimately can be worked to your good, it can be. (a choice of the heart not based on feelings)
4. Know that if you dwell on the fact that your life is over (and life as you know is over) and you don't choose to believe that God still has a good plan, that you can get stuck in grief. It is too painful for us to set up residence there and it isn't God's plan for us.

Philippians 4:8 (NLT)
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

The Choice

The second Christmas after my husband died, the holidays were almost just as painful without him as the year before. I spent Christmas Eve with my kids and after the grandsons opened their gifts on the next morning, I rushed back to my house to prepare Christmas dinner. As I stood in the kitchen alone and started to peel the potatoes, a wave of grief started to roll in. My husband always peeled the potatoes, and I missed him so much. As the wave rolled toward me, I felt God speak to my heart and say, "Pam, I know how hard this is but now it is time for you to pick yourself out of the ashes of grief and move forward." It was still true that I missed my husband terribly, but that day I realized that I had a choice to make.  I applied the scripture above and asked myself..."What are the good thoughts I can fix my mind on?" Oh my, I realized there were so many...how blessed I was to have spent almost 33 years with a good and faithful man who I loved and he loved me. How blessed I was to have two beautiful grandsons! How blessed I was to have a son and daughter-in-law that were committed to each other and to raising their family in a Christian home. How blessed I was to be financially  taken care of. That moment I made the choice to start praising God for what was right... it was a sacrifice of praise because "me" wanted to feel sorry for self but when the choice was made to praise Him, my being responded with joy and the wave of grief subsided. The turning point in my grief occurred at that moment with a choice based on faith, not  feelings.

Has there been more grief to walk through? Yes! But for the most part now, as the wave of grief starts to roll in, I can turn it into a washing of His Word. Do I still have bad days? Yes, I do. I am human and there will always be those days that I succumb to the lonliness and grief of what is no more, but I do not intend to live there. I want to be an overcomer and a vessel used for His honor. Father, help me to continue to choose to focus on You and Your blessings, not on my loses.

Death of a Wife - Life Alone

I never wanted to be a widow, not that anyone does, but when I began this journey twenty months ago, all I could feel was extreme pain and loss. I knew life as I had known it was over and it was.
I recalled how eagerly I had approached my wedding day almost thirty-three years before. Marriage was what I had dreamed of all of my life, and even though it came with many adjustments, I loved my role as Mike’s wife.
I thought of other dreams that were fulfilled during those precious years of marriage….the title of “Mom” was probably the most awesome, although becoming a grandma ranked up there, too!
Each one of those new assignments had come without instructions but eagerly I had searched for information that would equip me for each role. I had talked with others, read books, and investigated anything that would help me to be a better wife, mother, or grandmother.
Then abruptly, over night, I went from wife to widow – I didn’t recognize it then as a new role. I just saw it as an ending of my dreams.
Yet finally, after many months of grieving, I realized that I stood with a choice: I could learn to embrace this as a new assignment and expect God to bring forth glory, or I could remain a broken vessel. Then I prayed, “God, help me to see the hidden treasure in this darkness.”

What treasure have I found so far?
· As I have learned to embrace this path as one chosen for me by God, my “alone” time has become precious time with Him. Isaiah 54:5 says “your Maker is your husband!”
· As I have learned to look to Him, expecting Him to turn this pain into glory, I have seen His hand move in wonderful and unexpected ways. Jeremiah 29:11 reminds me that “His plans for me are for good and not for evil to give me a future and a hope.”
· As I have learned to count my blessings in the midst of the ambushes of grief, my pain has been eased. James 1:2-3 does say to “Count it all joy when you go through trials and tribulations.”
· As I have opened my heart to others who are hurting, I have seen II Corinthians 1:4 fulfilled…”who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God.”

Is this an assignment I would have chosen? No! But I am learning that there truly is treasure in the darkness. With His help, I will continue to search for it.
Isaiah 45:3 LT And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness--secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name