I am three and one half years down this road called widowhood and the pain and grief of the loss of my mate is still very overwhelming to my heart. On the day my husband took his last breath, life as I knew it ended. I realized that at the time but the magnitude of the loss would take a few years to sink in. Holidays would never be the same, relationships with others would be forever changed, as so many aspects of the life we shared were gone in an instant. I moved from married to single, from feeling loved to feeling alone, from a household of two to that of one, from a strong twosome to a lonely onesome, from grandma and grandpa with two sets of hands, and overnight, I became the sole decision maker. Since I hadn't had a career, I'd been one of those women who'd built their life around their husband's schedule. What I cooked, how I spent my evenings, my time, everything revolved around him & his schedule. With his death, I faced learning a whole new language, whether financial lingo, house repairs, car repairs, etc or even what TV shows to watch (Men always hold the remote, don't they??)...I learned the buck stopped with me.
As a young woman, I had married early in life, leaving my parent's home to take on the new role of bride. I cherished that role and never desired anything but to be the best wife, mother, and helpmate that I could be. Now suddenly at age 52, over night after 13 months of watching the love of my life die, I knew half of me died as well and I knew that only God could make me whole again. Even so, it would take me a long time to learn to walk in that wholeness. But, I knew I must find those other single ladies out there who were also dealing with weekends and lawns and loneliness. I knew they were out there, I just hadn't known any very well before I became one. I also knew I had to learn how to let Him be my healer and my completer. I am still working on that!
Things I have learned along the way: There is nothing as lonely as the weekend....except holidays or birthdays. Somehow I managed the week fairly well, but when Friday hit, I knew the phone stopped ringing and the e-mail went silent. My married friends and family were busy with their families, as they should be., may I add...as I once was. I had to learn to get a new plan. It took time but it gradually happened. In the midst of all of this, I knew that I had so much to be thankful for but in my pain, many times it was easier to focus on the pain and loss than to count my blessings. Once again, I knew that from the beginning and even wrote about it but during the course of grief, my thoughts have at times become pretty self focused. I guess it is much like smashing a toe, when the pain is severe, it's hard not to focus on that throbbing appendage. My cry was"but Lord, what about me? I hurt! I hurt! I am so lonely! I know You are there, but Lord, I am lonely and I miss Mike and our life!" I knew I had to learn to speak His Words back to him and say, "I hurt but You, My King, are more than enough. Lord, You have said that You will never leave or forsake me and I must rest there! You have allowed this to occur; help me now to allow you to do a mighty work in me." And I did learn to do that but it took time in the process of grief.
And He continued to be faithful to me in the midst of my pity parties and grief. One day, I talked on the phone with a new acquaintance who was also a widow, but a bit further down the road than me. As she shared, she said that all four of her children lived quite a distance away. Her husband had always driven as they made the trek to visit them. I loved how she put it..."you know, that baby sugar is so important,"so after her husband's death, she made the choice to strike out through the metro-plex of Dallas to see those grandchildren. She further shared that she views everything in her life as a training ground with the Lord and driving through areas that she would not have attempted before has been a step of faith for her.... she made the choice to pray, trust Him, and go for the whatever!. I loved her attitude and knew that I wanted to be like her. More than that, I felt the Lord wanted me to be that way too! I believe He desires for all of us to face the challenges that come our way....embrace them, focus on Him, and go forth in our journey with an expectant heart.
So in this ever changing journey of faith, today I ask You, Lord, to help me be more like my new acquaintance and grasp more tightly to Your hand and walk forward with You, seeing once again that the title Widow is something You ordained as a part of Your training for me. Help me to not fail nor grow weary. Help my focus to stay on You and Your mighty power as my provider and comforter. May I truly know You as My Great I AM who 'am' more than enough for me! And Father, thank you for phone calls that come right when I need them the most. Thank you, my new brave friend!
