My loss came after watching my husband suffer through surgery and chemo. For others, the loss was sudden. Not getting to say good-bye isn't easy but neither is saying good-bye gradually as you watch your loved one suffer. Some people like to compare grief and say mine is harder because....I prefer to say they're all hard.
Grief Brings Ambushes Ambush - make a surprise attack on someone from a concealed position...Websters As a new widow, I learned quickly that routine things brought unexpected waves of grief. I remember walking into a business and a song that Mike and I both loved was playing. I quietly slipped out the door to cry. The first time I bought groceries, it was a routine trip until I reached for Mike’s favorite snack and realized that I no longer needed to buy it. I left the store crying. Buying groceries, cooking a meal, watching TV, waking up, going to bed, driving down the street, eating a meal, listening to the radio were all riddled with ambushes. I don’t remember when I named these ambushes but identifying them helped me learn to say, “Okay, that’s a grief ambush. I’m not going crazy.” I’d let the tears flow and accept they were part of walking through the valley of grief. Dear one, know that ambushes will be a part of your life for quite some time to come, but they will gradually lessen and won’t be as overwhelming. Take comfort in this promise, Psalm 56:8 (NLT) You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Grief Paralyzes
Paralyze - render(someone) unable to think or act normally Websters
Following Mike’s death,many business things had to be taken care of..marriage certificate had to be found, death certificates had to be filed, and the estate had to be probated,etc. That was difficult but I muddled through. It was the everyday things that I struggled with the most..like living. I’d forget to eat. I also couldn’t concentrate enough to read or sew. One thing that helped was when someone sent me a poem that had helped Elizabeth Elliot survive an unbearable loss. She and her husband, Jim, had been overseas for only a short time when Jim and four other young missionaries were murdered. Elizabeth was in a foreign country with a new baby. Some one gave her the poem and in the midst of her anguish, one line stood out to her. It said simply, Do the next thing. She asked herself, What is the next thing I need to do? In her case, it was change her baby. I found myself asking this question of myself daily, sometimes several times within the hour. For me at times when I asked myself that question, the answer was as simple as, Pam, you need to eat, or you need to pay the electric bill. So if you find yourself having trouble functioning, try asking that question of yourself. What is the next thing I need to do? God will show you. Psalms 34:18 NIV The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Grief can bring a feeling of desperation.
The loss of Mike left so many gaps in my life that at times I felt desperate. It was an awful feeling that I didn't understand. I shared that feeling with a married friend who told me that I had nothing to feel desperate about. Again, I wondered what was wrong with me. They were right. I was blessed to have Mike for so many years and to be loved by such a wonderful man. I knew that. I was taken care of financially and I knew that was huge. But I was struggling to come to grips with being suddenly single and the feeling was overwhelming. I now know it was a normal feeling. It slowly passed. Probably only another widow or widower can understand that feeling but be assured the LORD understands and says in Psalm 62:8 NAS Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.
Everyone grieves differently
You will find even among family and close friends, everyone handles grief differently. Some go through anger, some go through depression, some go through guilt....the important thing is to recognize there are many emotions of grief. Learn to face them and work through them. My major emotion was extreme sadness. It was the first time in my life my heart had truly felt broken. I had suffered many other losses prior to losing my Mike, but nothing prepared me for the extreme hurt of this loss. Much of my identity was tied into being Mike's wife. The thing I found most helpful for me was to attend Grief Share classes. I didn’t want to go somewhere where people shared sob stories...I was hurting to badly for that...but I did want to connect with others that were grieving. I also wanted to understand my journey as much as I could...Grief Share afforded me both. We shared as a group and the video’s gave us hope and insight into healing. Go to www.griefshare.org and type in your zip code and find out if there’s a group meeting in your area. You can also subscribe to a daily online devotional from their site. I did that and those devotions blessed me for a year.
Grief truly is a journey that cannot be rushed.
Others may attempt to rush you in your grief, thinking you should be over it within a few months. You will never be totally over it because you’ve been changed forever. Thankfully though, the huge hole in your heart will gradually mend and the extreme sadness will go away. Your precious memories will become a reservoir of treasure and a salve for your hurt. One day that hurt will be a means to reach out to others. In the meantime, continue choosing day by day to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking forward. AND don’t be discouraged when you’re ambushed and make no progress for a few days. That’s okay; this, too, is a part of the grieving process. Be gentle with yourself but determine to work through the ambush and move forward again. II Corinthians 1:3-4 NAS Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Grief is Exhausting.
Don’t be surprised if you find yourself so exhausted that you think something is wrong. Personally, I still take B-12 shots every other week and take extra vitamins. Since I’m alone, I’m not eating as well as I should. I’m working on that. Also, if your mate was sick for quite awhile, you’ve probably neglected yourself. Please get a good checkup and try to take care of yourself. Psalm 38:17 (The Message) I’m on the edge of losing it-- the pain in my gut keeps burning. Psalms 31:9 NIV Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress: my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.
Take Care of yourself I found in the first year, I functioned better if I kept things planned that I could look forward to. It could be as simple as lunch with a friend, or taking my grandchildren to McDonalds, but it helped. I find, even now, almost two years later, I still function better to live that way as I learn this new life. I’ve traveled somewhere almost every month. For me that has helped in the adjustments and loneliness of the walk. Isaiah 41:10 NLT Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
There is Life after loss
When I entered this valley, it was like walking through a long tunnel hoping that I”d come out on the other side. Deep down I wondered if I’d ever feel whole again and be content without Mike. Today, I can say I’m finally content and embrace my new life. You’ll get there too. God hasn’t left us in this valley of despair without hope. He does provide the means necessary to cope with grief and to come through that tunnel and be whole again.
Matthew 5:4 NIV Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV For I know the plans I have for you. plans to give you a hope and a future. (I clung to this, that God still had a plan for me even though it felt my life was over!)
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