The Journey of Grief Continues!

Written in 2004

There was an older widow who wanted to encourage me after my husband died.  She met with me shortly after I became a widow. 

"Honey,"she said, I hate to tell you this but the second year of loss is the worst because you are rather numb throughout the first year! Then reality really sets in the second year." I was overwhelmed to think that things could get worse. I met with her again after my husband had been gone a year.

 "Honey, I hate to tell you this, but the third year is actually the worst!" 

And I knew right then that I did not intend for my journey to be that way. I asked God to show me how to embrace my sorrow and grow from it and be whole again. These are some things I learned:

1. Know that there is a normal process of grieving that you must go through but God doesn't intend for you to live there from now on, just for a season.
2. Know that God can help you to make those choices that lead you to heal but you also must be willing to believe that is His desire for you.
3. Know that if you determine that the great hurt you feel ultimately can be worked to your good, it can be. (a choice of the heart not based on feelings)
4. Know that if you dwell on the fact that your life is over (and life as you know is over) and you don't choose to believe that God still has a good plan, that you can get stuck in grief. It is too painful for us to set up residence there and it isn't God's plan for us.

Philippians 4:8 (NLT)
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

The Choice

The second Christmas after my husband died, the holidays were almost just as painful without him as the year before. I spent Christmas Eve with my kids and after the grandsons opened their gifts on the next morning, I rushed back to my house to prepare Christmas dinner. As I stood in the kitchen alone and started to peel the potatoes, a wave of grief started to roll in. My husband always peeled the potatoes, and I missed him so much. As the wave rolled toward me, I felt God speak to my heart and say, "Pam, I know how hard this is but now it is time for you to pick yourself out of the ashes of grief and move forward." It was still true that I missed my husband terribly, but that day I realized that I had a choice to make.  I applied the scripture above and asked myself..."What are the good thoughts I can fix my mind on?" Oh my, I realized there were so many...how blessed I was to have spent almost 33 years with a good and faithful man who I loved and he loved me. How blessed I was to have two beautiful grandsons! How blessed I was to have a son and daughter-in-law that were committed to each other and to raising their family in a Christian home. How blessed I was to be financially  taken care of. That moment I made the choice to start praising God for what was right... it was a sacrifice of praise because "me" wanted to feel sorry for self but when the choice was made to praise Him, my being responded with joy and the wave of grief subsided. The turning point in my grief occurred at that moment with a choice based on faith, not  feelings.

Has there been more grief to walk through? Yes! But for the most part now, as the wave of grief starts to roll in, I can turn it into a washing of His Word. Do I still have bad days? Yes, I do. I am human and there will always be those days that I succumb to the lonliness and grief of what is no more, but I do not intend to live there. I want to be an overcomer and a vessel used for His honor. Father, help me to continue to choose to focus on You and Your blessings, not on my loses.