Fifty-five plus Trenches of life

I'm learning a lot in this season of life.  How about you?  I've learned that I can't really see my face unless I use a five-times magnifying mirror.  I look much younger in the regular mirror (only to me of course) but when I use the five-times mirror...things come into focus that I didn't even know were there....like chin hairs and whiskers and trenches in my smile line and the eyes.. we'll just call them creases.  But it's the little hairs I can do something about. I've even bought a little electric thingy that will shave inside my nose!  Who would have ever thought????  I've never had my eyebrows waxed but I give them a regular tweezing. Then there's the coiffure....where did those grey hairs come from? There's a few wiry little guys that love to prance on top of my head.  I've found some delightful hair products that make my mane look thick and tame the corkscrews.  AND my beautician has found a process that highlights the color I still have. 

It's rough staying presentable in this fifty-five plus stage of life but it's worth it.  My five year old commented with concern to his mom the other day as they passed thru a restaurant drive thru ..."that lady looks like she is going to die soon."  She was older than me and very wrinkled....since I don't want my grandkids thinking that about me yet, I'll keep sprucing up what I can.  

Any tips you have to share, I'd appreciate!

Easter Hug From God

On Tuesday, April 14th, I'll move to Owasso, OK.  I have almost everything I own packed in boxes and in the process, I've sorted through it all, trying to decide what to get rid of and what to keep. 

Yesterday, I found an old cardboard file box in the garage that had very little in it. I started to just toss it but decided I'd better sort through it.  In one file labeled 'writings' I found a yellowed five page story that had been typed on a type writer.  It was entitled "God Gave the Song." There was no author's name but I"d kept the story years ago for some reason.  I took a break from my work, sat down on the concrete steps, and started to read it.  By the second page, I knew it was a resurrection story and a good one.  By the last page, tears splashed down my cheeks as I read of the Resurrection Day and saw the authors signature at the end.  It was signed and dated: Lynda Ann Basye,  March 30, 1983.  

 Lynda, my only sister, died March 24, 2001.  I had chills as I thought of the odds that I'd find her story, let alone find it on Easter weekend.  I couldn't wait to scan a copy to her daughter....my niece.  It would be equally as special for her.  She would have been only six when my sister wrote it so I doubted that she's seen it.  It confirmed to me how important writing is.  Eight years after my sister's death, her writing written twenty-six years earlier, blessed me mightily.  

The Journey Through Grief

My loss came after watching my husband suffer through surgery and chemo.  For others, the loss was sudden. Not getting to say good-bye isn't easy but neither is saying good-bye gradually as you watch your loved one suffer.  Some people like to compare grief and say mine is harder because....I prefer to say they're all hard.

Grief Brings Ambushes  Ambush - make a surprise attack on someone from a concealed position...Websters  As a new widow, I learned quickly that routine things brought unexpected waves of grief. I remember walking into a business and a song that Mike and I both loved was playing. I quietly slipped out the door to cry. The first time I bought groceries, it was a routine trip until I reached for Mike’s favorite snack and realized that I no longer needed to buy it. I left the store crying. Buying groceries, cooking a meal, watching TV, waking up, going to bed, driving down the street, eating a meal, listening to the radio were all riddled with ambushes.  I don’t remember when I named these ambushes but identifying them helped me learn to say, “Okay, that’s a grief ambush. I’m not going crazy.” I’d let the tears flow and accept they were part of walking through the valley of grief. Dear one, know that ambushes will be a part of your life for quite some time to come, but they will gradually lessen and won’t be as overwhelming. Take comfort in this promise, Psalm 56:8 (NLT) You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Grief Paralyzes 

Paralyze - render(someone) unable to think or act normally  Websters

    Following Mike’s death,many business things had to be taken care of..marriage certificate had to be found, death certificates had to be filed, and the estate had to be probated,etc. That was difficult but I muddled through. It was the everyday things that I struggled with the most..like living. I’d forget to eat. I also couldn’t concentrate enough to read or sew. One thing that helped was when someone sent me a poem that had helped Elizabeth Elliot survive an unbearable loss. She and her husband, Jim, had been overseas for only a short time when Jim and four other young missionaries were murdered. Elizabeth was in a foreign country with a new baby. Some one gave her the poem and in the midst of her anguish, one line stood out to her. It said simply, Do the next thing. She asked herself, What is the next thing I need to do? In her case, it was change her baby. I found myself asking this question of myself daily, sometimes several times within the hour.  For me at times when I asked myself that question, the answer was as simple as, Pam, you need to eat, or you need to pay the electric bill. So if you find yourself having trouble functioning, try asking that question of yourself. What is the next thing I need to do? God will show you. Psalms 34:18 NIV The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Grief can bring a feeling of desperation.

The loss of Mike left so many gaps in my life that at times I felt desperate.  It was an awful feeling that I didn't understand. I shared that feeling with a married friend who told me that I had nothing to feel desperate about.  Again, I wondered what was wrong with me.  They were right. I was blessed to have Mike for so many years and to be loved by such a wonderful man. I knew that.  I was taken care of financially and I knew that was huge. But I was struggling to come to grips with being suddenly single and the feeling was overwhelming. I now know it was a normal feeling.  It slowly passed. Probably only another widow or widower can understand that feeling but be assured the LORD understands and says in Psalm 62:8 NAS Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

Everyone grieves differently

You will find even among family and close friends, everyone handles grief differently.  Some go through anger, some go through depression, some go through guilt....the important thing is to recognize there are many emotions of grief. Learn to face them and work through them. My major emotion was extreme sadness. It was the first time in my life my heart had truly felt broken. I had suffered many other losses prior to losing my Mike, but nothing prepared me for the extreme hurt of this loss. Much of my identity was tied into being Mike's wife. The thing I found most helpful for me was to attend Grief Share classes. I didn’t want to go somewhere where people shared sob stories...I was hurting to badly for that...but I did want to connect with others that were grieving.  I also wanted  to understand my journey as much as I could...Grief Share afforded me both. We shared as a group and the video’s gave us hope and insight into healing.  Go to www.griefshare.org and type in your zip code and find out if there’s a group meeting in your area. You can also subscribe to a daily online devotional from their site. I did that and those devotions blessed me for a year.

Grief truly is a journey that cannot be rushed.

Others may attempt to rush you in your grief, thinking you should be over it within a few months. You will never be totally over it because you’ve been changed forever.  Thankfully though, the huge hole in your heart will gradually mend and the extreme sadness will go away. Your precious memories will become a reservoir of treasure and a salve for your hurt. One day that hurt will be a means to reach out to others. In the meantime, continue choosing day by day to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking forward. AND don’t be discouraged when you’re ambushed and make no progress for a few days. That’s okay; this, too, is a part of the grieving process. Be gentle with yourself but determine to work through the ambush and move forward again. II Corinthians 1:3-4 NAS Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Grief is Exhausting.

Don’t be surprised if you find yourself so exhausted that you think something is wrong. Personally, I still take B-12 shots every other week and take extra vitamins. Since I’m alone, I’m not eating as well as I should. I’m working on that. Also, if your mate was sick for quite awhile, you’ve probably neglected yourself. Please get a good checkup and try to take care of yourself. Psalm 38:17 (The Message) I’m on the edge of losing it-- the pain in my gut keeps burning. Psalms 31:9 NIV Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress: my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.

Take Care of yourself I found in the first year, I functioned better if I kept things planned that I could look forward to. It could be as simple as lunch with a friend, or taking my grandchildren to McDonalds, but it helped. I find, even now, almost two years later, I still function better to live that way as I learn this new life. I’ve traveled somewhere almost every month. For me that has helped in the adjustments and loneliness of the walk. Isaiah 41:10 NLT Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

There is Life after loss

When I entered this valley, it was like walking through a long tunnel hoping that I”d come out on the other side.  Deep down I wondered if I’d ever feel whole again and be content without Mike. Today, I can say I’m finally content and embrace my new life.  You’ll get there too. God hasn’t left us in this valley of despair without hope. He does provide the means necessary to cope with grief and to come through that tunnel and be whole again. 

Matthew 5:4 NIV Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV For I know the plans I have for you. plans to give you a hope and a future. (I clung to this, that God still had a plan for me even though it felt my life was over!)

The Journey of Grief Continues!

Written in 2004

There was an older widow who wanted to encourage me after my husband died.  She met with me shortly after I became a widow. 

"Honey,"she said, I hate to tell you this but the second year of loss is the worst because you are rather numb throughout the first year! Then reality really sets in the second year." I was overwhelmed to think that things could get worse. I met with her again after my husband had been gone a year.

 "Honey, I hate to tell you this, but the third year is actually the worst!" 

And I knew right then that I did not intend for my journey to be that way. I asked God to show me how to embrace my sorrow and grow from it and be whole again. These are some things I learned:

1. Know that there is a normal process of grieving that you must go through but God doesn't intend for you to live there from now on, just for a season.
2. Know that God can help you to make those choices that lead you to heal but you also must be willing to believe that is His desire for you.
3. Know that if you determine that the great hurt you feel ultimately can be worked to your good, it can be. (a choice of the heart not based on feelings)
4. Know that if you dwell on the fact that your life is over (and life as you know is over) and you don't choose to believe that God still has a good plan, that you can get stuck in grief. It is too painful for us to set up residence there and it isn't God's plan for us.

Philippians 4:8 (NLT)
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

The Choice

The second Christmas after my husband died, the holidays were almost just as painful without him as the year before. I spent Christmas Eve with my kids and after the grandsons opened their gifts on the next morning, I rushed back to my house to prepare Christmas dinner. As I stood in the kitchen alone and started to peel the potatoes, a wave of grief started to roll in. My husband always peeled the potatoes, and I missed him so much. As the wave rolled toward me, I felt God speak to my heart and say, "Pam, I know how hard this is but now it is time for you to pick yourself out of the ashes of grief and move forward." It was still true that I missed my husband terribly, but that day I realized that I had a choice to make.  I applied the scripture above and asked myself..."What are the good thoughts I can fix my mind on?" Oh my, I realized there were so many...how blessed I was to have spent almost 33 years with a good and faithful man who I loved and he loved me. How blessed I was to have two beautiful grandsons! How blessed I was to have a son and daughter-in-law that were committed to each other and to raising their family in a Christian home. How blessed I was to be financially  taken care of. That moment I made the choice to start praising God for what was right... it was a sacrifice of praise because "me" wanted to feel sorry for self but when the choice was made to praise Him, my being responded with joy and the wave of grief subsided. The turning point in my grief occurred at that moment with a choice based on faith, not  feelings.

Has there been more grief to walk through? Yes! But for the most part now, as the wave of grief starts to roll in, I can turn it into a washing of His Word. Do I still have bad days? Yes, I do. I am human and there will always be those days that I succumb to the lonliness and grief of what is no more, but I do not intend to live there. I want to be an overcomer and a vessel used for His honor. Father, help me to continue to choose to focus on You and Your blessings, not on my loses.

Death of a Wife - Life Alone

I never wanted to be a widow, not that anyone does, but when I began this journey twenty months ago, all I could feel was extreme pain and loss. I knew life as I had known it was over and it was.
I recalled how eagerly I had approached my wedding day almost thirty-three years before. Marriage was what I had dreamed of all of my life, and even though it came with many adjustments, I loved my role as Mike’s wife.
I thought of other dreams that were fulfilled during those precious years of marriage….the title of “Mom” was probably the most awesome, although becoming a grandma ranked up there, too!
Each one of those new assignments had come without instructions but eagerly I had searched for information that would equip me for each role. I had talked with others, read books, and investigated anything that would help me to be a better wife, mother, or grandmother.
Then abruptly, over night, I went from wife to widow – I didn’t recognize it then as a new role. I just saw it as an ending of my dreams.
Yet finally, after many months of grieving, I realized that I stood with a choice: I could learn to embrace this as a new assignment and expect God to bring forth glory, or I could remain a broken vessel. Then I prayed, “God, help me to see the hidden treasure in this darkness.”

What treasure have I found so far?
· As I have learned to embrace this path as one chosen for me by God, my “alone” time has become precious time with Him. Isaiah 54:5 says “your Maker is your husband!”
· As I have learned to look to Him, expecting Him to turn this pain into glory, I have seen His hand move in wonderful and unexpected ways. Jeremiah 29:11 reminds me that “His plans for me are for good and not for evil to give me a future and a hope.”
· As I have learned to count my blessings in the midst of the ambushes of grief, my pain has been eased. James 1:2-3 does say to “Count it all joy when you go through trials and tribulations.”
· As I have opened my heart to others who are hurting, I have seen II Corinthians 1:4 fulfilled…”who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God.”

Is this an assignment I would have chosen? No! But I am learning that there truly is treasure in the darkness. With His help, I will continue to search for it.
Isaiah 45:3 LT And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness--secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name

Songs That Help the Healing Process

I have always loved music. When I was a young woman and our daughter suffered brain damage, God used many songs to give me strength to endure the trial and even to bring healing to my weary heart. Some that come to mind are "Because He Lives" and "I Am a Promise" and several others sang by the Gaithers. In the loss of my husband, once again music has spoken to my heart and continues to be a salve of healing. Hopefully you can click on the link below and listen to "The Anchor Holds". I love the truth of this song! I pray you will too! I will include the words in case your computer set up does not allow you to listen.......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FL112E3NjqU

The Anchor Holds

Words and Music by Lawrence Chewning and Ray Boltz© 1994 - Word Music

I have journeyed through the long, dark night

Out on the open sea,

By faith alone, sight unknown,

And yet His eyes were watching me.
The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

Well, I have fallen on my knees,as I faced the raging sea,

But the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.
I've had visions and I've had dreams;

Well, I've even held them in my hands,

But I never knew those dreamscould slip right through

Like they were only grains of sand.
Oh, the Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

Well, I have fallen on my knees, as I faced the raging seas.

Oh, the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.
Now I have been young, but I am older now.

Oh, and there has been beauty these eyes have seen;

But it was in the night,when I faced the storms of my life.

Oh, that's where God proved His love to me.
The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

I have fallen, fallen down on my knees, as I faced the raging seas.

But the Anchor holds; Oh, in spite of the storm.
I said I've fallen, fallen down on my knees, as I faced the raging seas;

But the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.

Another group of songs have been by Jeremy Camp...

http://www.jeremycamp.com/tunes.html

click on this..then click on "Carried" and then "Will I Walk By Faith?"

You will only hear a snipet...if you have songs that have helped you, please share a comment with me that others may 'hear' also.

Jeremy Camps wife died of cancer only a few months after they married...I love most of his songs...clipped from his sitet..."'Will I walk by faith even when I cannot see?' It's about learning how to take the next step even when you don't understand what's happening in your life." Another song, 'Take My Life' "is a passionate, worshipful song. It's basically saying, Here I am Lord, take me completely, don't let me hold anything for myself." Jeremy's experiences have given him what he calls an "eternal perspective."

Also Mercy Me's "I Can Only Imagine" has ministered to me greatly and many of their songs..

"Held" by Natalie Grant has also spoken to my heart...so do allow God to minister to you through His people and the music He has given them.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FL112E3NjqU

Letting the Seasons Change

By Pam Whitley

Written - October 29, 2004

We loaded the band saw into the back of my son’s Toyota Four-Runner and he hopped into his vehicle, shifted gears, and backed out of the drive way. I followed him in my car with it also loaded as we moved among the last of my things out of my house.

It was late October and the leaves blew across our paths as we followed the street out of my addition and headed for my new residence. Just as the seasons were changing in the weather, they were changing in my life as well.

The Four Runner my son was driving, my husband and I had purchased for him 10 years earlier when he was a junior in college. Recently he had purchased a new car and when my move was over, he would sell this old vehicle. That vehicle almost felt like a member of the family! We had made dorm moves in it, then apartment moves, and later, after he married, I'd followed as he and his new bride moved to married student housing.

On this day, I couldn’t help but cry as I followed this vehicle once again though the twists and turns of my neighborhood. The other moves had been joyful, this move was to move me from the home my husband and I shared to the home where I would live as a widow. My son was now 31 years old with two children of his own, and I was the one in need of assistance. As that old red Four Runner made one last run loaded to the brim, I thought of how the seasons had changed…. and how I had to let them change and keep my eyes on Him.

God’s Faithfulness

Written a couple of weeks before my husband died.
I saw my husband Mike's once strong body slowly succumbing to the cancer that had attacked so viciously. “Oh Lord, give us strength to walk wherever this path is leading.” 

Opening my Bible, I was drawn to 2 Corinthians 5:1-9 Our Heavenly Dwelling
1For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down--when we die and leave these bodies--we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new heavenly bodies. 4Our dying bodies make us groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by everlasting life. 5God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. 6So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7That is why we live by believing and not by seeing. 8Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9So our aim is to please him always, whether we are here in this body or away from this body
Lord,  if you are giving me this scripture, then I think I know where this leads. I didn’t want to believe that so I didn't share the scripture with my husband, Mike. A few days later, Mike retired to our upstairs theater room to watch the movie Gettysburg. Soon, he came down the stairs and said, “Pam, God just gave me a scripture through that movie. Stonewall Jackson read this to his men before they went to battle.” Mike had his little new testament with him and he started to read II Corinthians 5 to me.
I started crying and then shared with Mike that God had given me the same scripture only a few days earlier. Putting his arms around me Mike said, “It’s going to be okay!” And I knew it would be. God was watching over us and would supply the strength we needed to walk through the valley that yet lay ahead. He was proving Himself day by day! 

“Father God, help us to walk each day by faith, not by sight!”

I Miss the Little Things!

Written 18 months after my husband died

Sometimes I think it is the little things that I miss the most. It’s been 18 months now since my husband exchanged he cancer-ridden body for his new tent. I am happy for him…. as I sing praises on Sunday mornings, I can see in my minds eye him standing strong and whole in the presence of the King. I can just see him in a sea of Believers with a huge smile on his face. That is such a comfort to me…but how I miss all the little things. I miss his presence on the cold winter nights as I crawl into bed…. he always said, “don’t stick those size nines to me”….then he would laugh and shudder as I stuck my cold feet to his legs (they weren't size nines either!) I miss the toilet seat being left up. I used to gripe at him for leaving it up because if I got up in the night, I'd fall in!. What I'd give to have that toilet seat left up one more time. I miss his arm around my shoulders as we sat in church together and his off key singing. I miss having him come in and take the lid off whatever I had cooking on the stove and then after he gave it his taste test, telling me what seasoning it needed. I miss his laugh, it was infectious. I miss the sound of him shuffling down the tiled hallway barefooted. I miss his telephone calls….they were never lengthy, just fairly often during the day. I miss sharing the joy of the grandbabies exploits and the pride in seeing our son succeed. I miss taking a walk together in the cool of the day. I miss being able to confide in him my hurts and my concerns and having him do the same with me. I miss making decisions together and rolling stuff off of him for his opinion. I just miss him. But as I contemplate how much I miss him, I can also say once again how thankful I am that I was loved by a Godly man and able to walk beside him for almost 33 years. I truly do miss all the little things!

Workshop

  My Murphy is the gray-headed gentleman.

I've just returned this past week from Atlanta. I was in "A One Day Intensive Writer's Workshop" led by Cec Murphy.  He ghost wrote "Ninety Minutes in Heaven" and "Gifted Hands-the Ben Carson Story," and about 108 other books.  I learned so much.  My friend Sue hosted the workshop.  I flew from OK, Sue's sister-in-law flew from Dallas, a pastor drove from South Carolina, and  another lady came from the Georgia area.  We'd all been writing  for weeks and sending Mr. Murphy five pages at a time.  He'd make comments and then send them back to us to redo.  I send one more five page set to him this week.  He's been so gracious and we've learned so much.  Now I must apply it and keep on writing!

Fun With The Boys

Christmas was a lot of fun this year.  Some of my most memorable moments will be:

I made Jack and Will fleece blankets a few years ago.  At that time I was able to buy panels...in that case with a big batman on it.  Sam wanted a Hulk blanket but I couldn't find any Hulk fabric .  I did find a patterned fleece with Batman on it. Sam thought that would work and I bought it and took it to him. When he saw it,  he cried.   The pattern repeats and is staggered.  I had cut off Batman's head every third batman all the way around the edge..he was heart broken. That blanket didn't work.

Will and Jack helped me write a little story.  Steph snapped a picture of Max last summer as he stood in the toilet. The boys made-up-story follows.

It was a hot July day.  Little Max was looking for a cool place to stick his feet. He saw the neatest little boat, just his size.  He climbed right in and held on tightly to the sides.  In came Mama,  "OH No" she cried as she ran to get the camera.  In came Will, "hey, what is Max doing in the toilet.  In came Jack, "let's flush him.  In came Sam, Nooooo, don't fwush baby."

The boys laughed and laughed as they wrote that little story and Mimi had fun too.  Then there is a UTUBE video called "Charlie Bit My Finger."  I played that for them on my lap top.  They giggled so hard then Will and Sam watched it over and over.   So much fun.

One of the highlights was playing "I'm Sorry" with the kids and then lots of hugs from Max.

There were no dull moments and plenty of food and fun.  I am blessed.  

January 1, 2009

wow, it is hard to believe 2009 is here.   I loved the holidays this year. It is the first time I can make that statement since Mike died.  My last Christmas with him was 2002 so it has been a long time in coming. This year I spent Dec. 23rd thru Dec. 29 with my son and his family. It was delightful.  It felt so good to be back in the midst of a family and family activities. It felt wonderful to kiss little ones good night and be greeted with hugs in the mornings.  What a special gift.  Thank you Lord. Thank you, Ben and Steph.  

Anniversary of His Homegoing

It is five years today since my husband of 33 years went Home.  I still miss him everyday.  I made some huge mistakes along the way but I have survived with God's help.   AND finally I am learning to be "content in my present circumstances!" I am learning who I am and to press forward. 

Lately, I have been working a lot on scrapbooking and until recently, I still cried when I looked at the pictures. Now, I have sweet memories.  What a relief that even that pain has subsided. Then it took me five years to even sort the contents of my husband's desk, but I have it done now.   I know many people move through their grief more quickly and I wish I had been one of those.  I can only 'suppose' why my journey was so long...Perhaps it was because I never had a career and for most of my life, I was a caregiver to our handicapped daughter and my life was built around caregiving and my marriage.  So was my idenity.  It has taken time for me to embrace this place of singleness and see it as a gift, though not a chosen or wanted gift.  It's a new season and a new life.   The old season was sweet and I loved it but I can't stay there and must allow myself to move forward.  So I am diving into this new life!  

In God's Waiting Room

I moved to this home right after Mike's death and even then, I knew this was a temporary place to stop. I sorted as many of his things at that time as I could bear but moved much of it here. Five years later and the stuff remained as it was, either boxed or stuffed here and there. It overwhelmed me every time I opened a closet door, or looked in the attic, or stepped into my garage. Mike was a pack rat and I was too....I'd always kept the house looking nice but behind the closet doors and stuffed in drawers, and piled in the garage and attic, the stuff had overrun my life. Thinking of moving again was almost like a nightmare and I was too paralyzed to do anything about it. God met me right where I was and provided help in an abundant way!
First, a dear friend came along beside me and helped. Very gifted at organizing, her skills were put to the test here. In two weeks, with her help, we had gone through every drawer and closet in my home and tackled the garage. We spent days sorting through things and in the midst a friend of hers came to our rescue and provided extra insight. Then two more friends of mine came to our aid as well. I was in awe of His provision and my friend's giving hearts. Unbelievable strides were made. In the midst of it all, I made trip after trip to the Hope Center with my car loaded with donations of both Mike's stuff and mine. I took many things to my son's house and threw much away but little by little my house came into order pus I discovered that I really did have a three car garage! As soon as everything was as near perfect as it was going to be, a sign went up in my yard and the house went on the market. The housing market is slow right now and I have no idea if it will sell. I am at peace with whatever happens but if nothing else, the attempt to move has made me face a lot of "stuff'" and deal with it.  And as I have de-cluttered my home, I feel He helped me do much sorting in my heart as well. I had a lot of "stuff" there that needed to be dealt with.  My heart was overrun with guilt, fear, grief and much more. Like my house clutter, these wrong thought patterns had overwhelmed me for a long time, but I hadn't known what to do. But just as He brought me help for my home, He brought help for my heart in ways I could never have fathomed. All I can do is say, thank you, Lord and ask Him to please help me keep my house and my heart as clutter free as possible!

Strongholds

I've been studying about strongholds.  II Corinthians 10:3-5   We are human, but we don't wage war with human plans and methods.  We use God's mighty weapons, not mere worldly weapons, to knock down the Devil's strongholds.  With these weapons we break down every proud argument that keeps people from knowing God. With these weapons, we conquer their rebellious ideas, and we teach them to obey Christ.  

As the devil's days grow shorter, we see strongholds growing stronger.  A stronghold is anything that ranks in a higher position in our mind than it should becoming the consuming force within us, rather than God.  It can control us so that it is the main thing we meditate on. A few obvious strongholds are unforgiveness, loss, grief,  various addictions etc.  Basically, anything that strangles the abundant life within us.  A stronghold consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that our intended purpose lies dormant, squelched by the stronghold.  The stronghold controls our thoughts.  We are mastered by it.

Strongholds are like minefields.  They liter the path we're walking, attempting to prevent us from having a intimate, personal relationship with Christ.  Strongholds have strong holds on us. We have to identify them to start to break their hold on our lives.

Our pastor taught this last week on Strongholds within the church.   I saw very clearly that at different times in my life I'd been fooled by the enemy and fallen into one or more of these strongholds. 

1. Church-ism - diminishes the gospel to activities at church.  It creates a pretense that I'm living for Christ, but has me in a cycle of activities, not necessarily in relationship with Christ.
2. Legalism - ignores the fact that you can't please God by what you do.  It causes self-righteous attitudes, I'm doing it right.  It can keep us on a treadmill of being good/doing good.  WORKS, WORKS, WORKS.  A legalistic person thinks they are right.
3. Activism - Identity is reduced to standing up for what is wrong - we replace the relationship with Christ with fighting something. 
4. Biblicism - need to be expert students on the Bible.  Biblicism can replace the relationship itself with the Bible....We worship God, not the Bible. We've all probably met someone that has the bible in first place but they don't operate with a heart of love or radiate Christ.
5. Fellowship-ism - we should provoke one another to toward relationship with Christ.  If we replace the relationship with fellowship, then that too can become a stronghold.
6.  Mysticism - Worships emotions and experiences instead of pursuing relationship.   

We're called to be His salt and light and the enemy of our souls will detour us anyway he can.  He'll use good things that look right and deceive us.  He'll use bad things and then fill us with guilt.  He'll do anything to keep our focus away from the intimate relationship that Christ desires.  He's been successful with me in many areas...I want to break free and walk in victory.  His Word is my sword and prayer keeps me in communion with Him. Those two things are my path to victory.  With His word and prayer, He'll help us take back the territory the enemy has stolen.  We must choose to learn to think His thoughts about every matter rather than our own or the enemies and knock down the strongholds..  Gal 5:1b Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery. 

Another New Year!

As I start into another new year, I am seeking to be more consistent with my time with the Lord.  So much of the time. I quickly read my scripture or my devotional and by the time I have finished, I don't recall what I just read.   I don't want it to be that way.  This morning I read this in Daily Bread:

You'll go forth a little stronger

With a fresh supply of grace,

If each day you meet the Savior

In a secret, quiet place..  

Too often, Lord, I am not even expecting You to speak.   I come doing my routine "duty"coming into a routine place rather than a secret place with You....hurting myself and hindering what You desire to do in my life and how You desire to speak.   Lord, help me to joyfully seek You, to expectantly listen for Your voice, and to know You want to do mighty things in the life of all Your children...even me!  Open the eyes of my heart that I may hear you!!  

Psalms 119:18  Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from your law.

A New Norm

Here it is almost Christmas Eve. This will be my fifth Christmas without Mike after thirty-three with him. I have come a long way in this five years. I'd dreaded the holidays every year since his death and this year was no exception. I just wanted them to pass. This year the fact that my kids moved out of state & the month was filled with snow storms, ice storms, and cold weather normally would have done me in!  Normally even the thought of being alone in snow storms, power outages, and ice would have been my horror. BUT I have made it very well. Perhaps it's because a few weeks ago, I felt the Lord said to me, "Do you really believe I am sovereign?" Of course, my answer was "yes"! Then I felt He asked me that again,and then a third time...and I had to realize that if I really believe that He is sovereign, then I have to accept as from His hand all of the changes that have come my way. & I have to embrace the loneliness, knowing that He has truly said "I will never leave or forsake you!" I can with His help accept that all has changed and I AM OKAY!!! He is in charge...the loss, the change, THE CHANGE, the unknown..are in His hands. Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness. Thank You, for the lessons that You are teaching me. Thank you that you are strengthening me!

Trip Between Storms!

The weather man has told us we have a break in the weather(a short break)...we are supposed to be pounded with another storm tomorrow evening so this grandma headed to Tulsa to see her babies!  If the weather holds off long enough for me to head home tomorrow afternoon, I will! I have a new lap top and took these pics with the computer....the boys thought that was rather fun.  I found it bit challenging...attempting to turn the computer towards us, scrolling on the screen with one hand, and clicking the right button while trying to hold little ones and get a smile.  Challenging but FUN!   They are fast asleep and I am blogging to unwind!

Ice Storm - 2007

The ice storm started to hit late Sunday evening and by yesterday morning, by ten a.m...my entire addition and several around me had lost their electricity. Other areas lost it earlier--some later--the news has declared it the largest power outage in the history of our state with 500,000 families across the state without power. I called my kids in Tulsa and found their power went down in the middle of the night--about 2 a.m. At least I had it until morning. As the day progressed, I was dreading greatly spending the night alone in a cold and dark home so I was very thankful when a girlfriend invited me to her home for the evening. She lives about four miles away, West and North of me. I packed up my car and headed out to her house about 3 p.m. to make certain I was there before it iced more. Her power stayed on through it all. Thankfully mine was back on this morning. It has rained all day but is warm enough that it is not freezing...in fact, much has thawed and I am just now thinking to take pictures...so it looks much better out than it did. The icicles are almost gone...they were about seven inches long and hanging off of everything on my back porch earlier this morning. So with my heat and lights back on, I am delighted to be at home.

Now if this big tree doesn't have any of its branches break!

Cold Day But Warm Hearts and Fun Cookie Exchange!

There were ten of us. We baked our cookies and pooled them together. Then we met for lunch at my house, and we laughed a lot and did I mention, we did eat just a few cookies and everyone got to take home 4 dozen calorie filled treats.

For lunch we had Chicken Lasagna with salad and French Bread. I made a recipe of "Kissmas" Cookies and have included the lasagna Recipe and cookie recipe below.
Recipes:









































White Chicken Lasagna
Cook 8 lasagna noodles and set aside.

Saute in 1/2 cup butter:
1 cup diced green onion
1/2 cup diced celery
1 tsp. minced garlic
Add:
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1/4 cup of milk
1 tsp. Italian seasoning
1 large carton cottage cheese
8 oz. cream cheese'
2 cups cooked shredded chicken breast

Alternate in backing pan:
Layer of noodles
Layer of sauce
Shredded Monterey Jack cheese

Bake at 350 until bubbly and cheese is melted.

I made this a week ago and froze it..put it in the refrigerator last night and baked about an hour today. Tossed a salad, and baked some french bread!! Yummy!

Kissmas Cookies

1/2 cup shortening
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup brown sugar packed
1/4 cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla or almond extract
21/2 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup chopped cherries (drain them well)

Mix all of the above, stirring in cherries last. Make into small tsp. sized balls...roll in:

1 egg white beaten with 1 Tb. water. Then roll in:
Chopped pecans(It took me a little over 2 cups of pecans to have enough)...I had an asssembly going...rolled in the egg white and then rolled it in the chopped pecans....I flattened slightly and baked at 375 for about 12 minutes. As soon as they came out of the oven, I had 48 hershey kisses already unwrapped and stuck them quickly into the centers of the cookies. I baked them Friday night so you can look at Friday's blog and see them fresh out of the oven on the wire racks.